Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Communion

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Communion

I almost can't believe I'm submitting this for pee review. Have edited and worked on it off and on for well over a year, and never once thought it could be featured. Only just before pushing the save button on my last edit did the thought come to me that "it's ready". Please help with any suggestions (except, of course, the most obvious idea for being less controversial, but one which would cost the page a pic which goes extremely well with the storyline). Thanks for taking it, or looking at it and breaking your computer screen, either way. Thanks! Aleister 19:29 12-5-'11

I shall review this article with haste! Or not. In all seriousness, I'll get the review done within 24 hours.--User:CandidToaster/sig 03:47, May 24, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	6	First and foremost, please remove the NSFW template on top of the page. It takes away focus from the article, and by extension, the humor. I liked the angle you pursued with this article, and how you described it as an "ancient pagan ritual stolen by the cultish Roman Catholic Church". I think you should expand more on Communion being some incredibly silly ritual done by some hilariously scary cult with a lot of power. The big problem with the article is that it loses focus and the wording can be rambling at times. Also, the paragraphs tend to be long and somewhat confusing, and read sort of like an improv comedian's stream of consciousness. It would be good to streamline some of the paragraphs, and organize your thoughts a bit more. Opening The opening line is funny, though sexual innuendos are quite overdone. You introduce your subject well, and the way you want to describe your object. The second paragraph doesn't seem as good though. The second paragraph deals with something specific about Communion (how Priests get people to start communion early), which would better in a separate section, as the opening is usually an introduction and a summary of the article. "History" Now we get into the main article. I love puns, and the first line delivers, but please remove the brackets that say [of God] and possibly put them in a footnote. For the rest of the article, it sometimes gets precariously close to "random humor" territory. The line about Leonardo da Vinci confused me quite a bit, as it had nothing to do with communion. Also, some of the sentences sound weird: "The last supper dragged on and on, and the wizard ate and drank, drank and ate, and patted the dancing girls on the backside as he told nuggets of data to the people who followed him around" just feels...strange. In my humble opinion, It'd be better if you said "The last supper dragged on and on, and Jesus, with all his wizardly powers, ate and drank, and patted the strippers on their back side, while telling stories of his travels to the hundreds of people who usually followed him around". The worst part of the section (no offense) was the part where Jesus talks about his flesh and blood. It continued much longer than it should have, and on my first readthrough, I wondered whether Jesus stopped talking or not. "Crazy Theory" My complaints are similar from the above paragraph. Their are wonderful nuggets of humor that can be deliciously mined in this section (loved that joke with the stomach acid and Jesus getting digested), but it's bogged down by strange wording, some rambling, and random humor (i.e Nikola Tesla? I love the guy, but he had nothing to do with communion.) As I've stated before, streamline some of your sentences, expand more on the nonsensical nature of Communion, and read some of the sentences to yourself. If it sounds like something a person would say in a party or a well prepared speech, it's okay, but if it feels...strange, than change the sentence. I liked how you absolutely lambasted the Catholic church; please do this more in your article. MAKE CATHOLICISM YOUR BITCH.I'm joking. Please don't. "Side Effects" As I've said a few hundred times before, some of the sentences sound strange, streamline the paragraphs, and organize your thoughts. Please get rid of the magically appearing toast picture. It serves no purpose other than a good motivation to break my monitor.
Concept:	7	I like the concept, and communion, when looked at from a distance, does seem to be incredibly stupid, so it was nice you pointed this out. It isn't groundbreakingly original though, as there are quite a bit of articles that make fun of the Catholic Church (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Prose and formatting:	6	Again, please remove the NSFW template. The article tends to ramble, seems a little bit rushed, and (as I've mentioned before) the wording is strange. Also, the picture of Jesus on the toast that randomly appears and disappears when you hover over it is annoying. Remove it, or make it a standard thumb picture.
Images:	5	The first image and its caption isn't very clever, and doesn't make much sense in the context of the article. Maybe in an article about travelling back in time through biblical times it could work, but not here. The second picture is a little bit funnier than the last one, and the picture was interesting, but it wasn't very clever. As a child who has performed fellatio on several prophets and biblical figures before, I am highly insulted and wish that you take down the third picture immediately, or else I will be forced to coerce you with my powers of persuasion.Seriously, though the picture was funny, it didn't make much sense in the context of the article, and it seemed "shocking for shock's sake". I think the picture is relatively tame.
Miscellaneous:	5.67	Averaged other scores together.
Final Score:	29.67	Don't get me wrong, this was a funny article, but it still needs a lot of work to make it VFH worthy.
Reviewer:	User:CandidToaster/sig 05:13, May 24, 2011 (UTC)

This is my first review, so I wouldn't recommend trusting any of the previous information I gave you, but you might find one or two useful tips.--User:CandidToaster/sig 05:13, May 24, 2011 (UTC)