Uncyclopedia:Pandemic Panic April 2020

This is completely intended to be a small writing competition between the users still active on Uncyclopedia, however many of you that still exist (probably about 7, I reckon). Much like the United States, we're in the final days of our glorious, yet short run on the Internet. It'll probably end once this ends, just like the United States' status as the most powerful country on Earth. It was a good run, even though I was 13 years late to the heyday of Uncyclopedia. Everyone's migrated to Illogicopedia (or whatever the fuck it's called). Chances are, most of us are going to die. Let's panic the fuck out.

Pandemic Panic April 2020
Uncyclopedia:Pandemic Panic
We're all going to die.
Awarded for	Capitalizing on a pandemic to popularize your name, when most of us are stuck at home!
Presented by	Risviltsov
Founder	Risviltsov
Reward	A badge that you can put on saying that you're an awful human being.
First awarded	2020
Last awarded	2020, probably, unless this thing is a year-round thing; in a case where it isn't, I'll just rename it to the Truly Sick award.
Currently held by	Woodrow Wilson (1918)
Award of Most Offensive, Downgrading, and Ultimately Uncivil Article	none
Award of Hope	none
Award of Most Weird Article	none
Preceeded by	Spanish Influenza Survivor of the Year Award (1918)
Followed by	Pandemic Panic May 2020 (scheduled)

What the fuck? A writing competition that isn't ATDB past the year 2014? No....

You bet your sweet ass yes. A complete noob with one decent article decides to actually do something. The Pandemic Panic competition is a competition (duh) of sheer awfulness, hope, and the weird. I hope launching a competition has us do something productive with this wiki rather than let it stay tanking.

Timing

The competition will be hosted every month for as long as I have to stay home. So, two months at least. I live in Western Washington, USA.

All entries will be accepted at the first of the month (so wake up, wake up) to the second-to-last day that month. The final day will be spent with the judges reading the articles and giving a pee review on each of them, then giving them scores for each title. The best scoring articles receive the awards, which I'm not sure I'll do (probably a badge or something) This cycles until the stay the fuck at home order is removed in my state.

How to send entries

Entries will have to have the category "Pandemic Panic [month] [year]" attached onto them. That's really it.

How it'll be judged

We've got categories for how your articles will be judged:

Offensive Title

1. How offensive the article is - an article with a serious tone and historical evidence being skewed to send a wildly prejudiced opinion will score far higher than a non-serious toned article damning Jews for cutting off your foreskin plenty of years ago for a delicious meal (not like you'd ever need it)
2. How effective it is as propaganda - this'll be the bullshit score that makes this whole thing really unfair; an article saying "We will bomb you" is as effective as threatening to bomb Nazi Germany through pamphlets you dropped out of planes that should be carrying ordnance; it just gives them toilet paper; though saying "We will bury you" while throwing a shoe will make anyone scared.
3. How much it hurts - the greatest factor to a truly great double VFH offensive article.

Hope Title

1. How pragmatic the article is - cushion-y hope does no good in my eyes, nor does repeatedly saying variations of "you'll be okay"
2. Sourcing and accuracy - you're going to need to be accurate; I won't be reassured if you're saying that there's a 1-in-1 million chance that any one person at my local WinCo Foods has it; i'll be reassured if you tell me that WinCo Foods is taking serious action to reduce the spread potential of the disease.
3. Does it leave me allayed of my anxieties? - Better scores comes from a more calmed Waleed.

Weird Title

1. Does this make me weirdly uncomfortable? - If yes, then you've done a good job. The first chapter of "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley is a textbook example on uncomfortable text.
2. How far out the logic is - is it logical yet super weird? Invent your own logic if conventional logic doesn't work!
3. How weird and wacky the article is (duh) - alien porn psychology wins more points than a literal picture of Adolf Hitler naked. Though alien Nazi porn psychology is wacky.

Rules

1. All users may submit a maximum of three (3) entries to the contest, one per title.
2. Users that are banned, are unregistered at time of judging at the end of the month, or are sockpuppets are ineligible for receiving awards.
3. Judges are ineligible for awards.
4. Those ineligible for awards can still participate.
5. All articles must be new and original.

Judging Panel

1. Risviltsov

if you wanna judge come at me m8 you can