Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/October 6

Jack "Joe Palooka" Dempsey, better known by his nickname "The Manassa Mauler" (June 24, 1895 – May 31, 1983), practically punched his way out of a wet paper bag to reach his troubled youth as a hobo from Manassa, Colorado. He then climbed the ladder of global respectibility and fame as a bully. Dempsey became the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion, a distinction he held from 1919 until 1926. His is a brutal and hard story of blood and guts, sweat and mucus, and stool and urine - all six of which he scared or beat out of almost everyone he pounded into obscurity. His is a rags-to-riches to Dementia pugilistica story that will soothe your children into being well-behaved citizens. It is a true fantasy for every real man, but a raging nightmare for Dempsey himself, who was destined to actually live it.

Dempsey's boxing prowess was such that he finally reached the pinnacle of his profession: the position of door-man/resident VIP autograph dispenser at Jack Dempsey's New York Restaurant which, in spite of being owned by Frank Sinatra and other mafia kingpins, was named after Dempsey. He maintained this job until his untimely demise on May 31, 1983, right at the peak of his intimidating 'bully-boy-autograph-dispensing' career.

Dempsey is a legend, and is considered by all the boxing greats, apart from Gene Tunney, Harry "The Dreadful Darkie" Wills, and Pierre "Pipi" Le'Fortune, to be the 'baddest bully' in all of boxing. This eternally ephemeral truth is universally agreed upon by everyone from Kid Galahad to Mike Tyson, and from Roberto Duran to Cassius Clay. They all pay homage to Dempsey, the king of bullies, whose tale of ring-rage is a horror story of crushed nose-bones, cracked ribs, smashed brains, and sheer heart attacks.

Only God could have created Jack Dempsey, therefore The Manassa Mauler is proof of the existence of a gentle and loving deity. (Full article...)