Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/October 25

In the annals of history, it was thought that the list of the Worst 100 Things To Stick Your Dick Into was comprised of a more-or-less random selection of Earth-based horrors – such diverse things, in fact, as snowblowers, chainsaw tensioners, and Britney Spears. However, a recent scientific discovery has revealed each of the Worst 100 Things To Stick One's Dick Into to be... an orifice of the newly-discovered organism Despicabilus horribilis, vulgarly known as the gargantuan gut-worm of planet KL5-6309. According to a strangely gleeful Dr. Ephta Octavus, professor of biology at Utah State University, "Nothing from Earth even comes close, really."

Of course, most sensible people, when confronted with the living horror that is the Despicabilus horribilis, might ask "why on Earth would I want to stick my dick into something like that?" It is a puzzler; perhaps this terrifying organism's appearance belies a deep, alluring nature, or perhaps it's just the novelty of copulating with an alien organism. It does not seem to merely repulse, it piques, and piquancy is apparently just a short drive down the road from HotSexyTown. Countless human scientists have lost their genitalia within hours of acquiring a specimen of this organism. It seems to be only a matter of time before any male human looking at a gargantuan gut-worm of planet KL5-6309 feels a sudden, aching urge to "become one" with the beast. Despite the well-documented horrors that lurk within it, its orifices remain so alluring that an average of six people a day (most of them men) are torn to pieces during "scientific investigations" conducted with their ... er, shall we say, "members". (Full article...)