Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/July 31

Lancaster, PA -- My name is Wilford Pissbritches and I'm 74 years old. I've got a bone to pick with you long-haired hippy kids. I've had this TV for as long as I can remember, and now the goddamned thing won't work worth shit! All I get is some snowy crap, these little white dots and speckles all over this black background. The hell's wrong with this thing?

I'm a widowed retired 'Nam veteran and McDonald's cashier, and the shit I go through ain't nothin' compared to this hippy-happy nonsense. I tried bringin' it in to Uncle Charlie's Salvage Emporium, only to find out that old Charlie had been dead for eight years and his grandson owns the store now. He's some spiky-haired punk named Fizz Chesterfield. He told me I need some fancy whoozits and whatzits, I didn't know what in Sam Hill he was jawin' about. (Full article...)