Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/January 28

WASHINGTON, DC – America took a well-earned break from presidential politics after Donald Trump disappeared from his Mar-a-Lago retreat last week. The State Department assumed that Trump had absconded from his job and was off selling crap hotels to third world countries, until Secret Service agents found Trump imprisoned inside a WW2-era bunker some miles south of Berlin, mutilated to resemble a walrus.

Trump's naked body was sewn into a walrus suit made out of stitched together flesh and filled with blubber. His legs had been sawed off, and his shin bones were reattached to his face as tusks. Trump's matted hairdo was resewn into his new walrus scalp, a sick reminder of the human man he once was. When Trump's rescuers rolled his flabby, piniped body out of the bunker, the sunlight revealing every scar sewn onto his walrus form, every pool of dried blood seeping from his unhealed gashes, the Commander-in-Chief could only scream and hork. His captors had deprived him of his humanity, perhaps forever. President Tusk was then shipped to the Smithsonian National Zoo of Washington D.C., where he now lives his life as a genuine walrus. (Full news...)