Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/January 17

Confession of sins is an integral part of the Catholic faith and practice. The meaning of the word confession, in a Catholic sense, is essentially the same as in the criminal. Confessional inquisitions operate in a similar way to the courts, during confession Believers are considered guilty, until proven exceptionally guilty. To save time penitents are encouraged to admit their 'vile lust of the flesh', 'drooling sin of the eyes', and 'limping pride of the phallus'. The penitent must admit these crimes so the priest may 'cure' them of their debauched animal desire with the bitter medicine of guilt. For these reasons confession of one's sins, or at least of one's sinfulness, is seen by many churches as a prerequisite for becoming a Christian.

During confession, aggressive interview techniques are used by priests to extract the vile secrets the penitent is so desperate to hide. Lying only makes it worse, multiplying tenfold the number of sins committed. Afterwards, this information remains confidential. Only the penitent, the priest, and interested telemarketing companies need ever know what’s said. With a decline in church collections, many churches have taken to selling their congregation's details to telemarketing firms so they can tailor the products offered to suit the penitent's disgusting 'needs'. With the sinner's depraved wants satisfied, the Vatican usually receives a royalty fee for each sale in order to cover expenses. (Full article...)