Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/February 13

Elevators (inaccurately called "lifts" in stupid places), are torture devices invented in 1523 by the Spanish Catholic Inquisitors searching for a more efficient method of "repressing" the Jews, Protestants, and their Satanist in-laws. The 16th century design, although crude by today's standard, set the bar for torture devices to a higher level. Over the years, the original design was modified extensively until it became the modern object of torture it is now. As of today, the elevator has become a staple of the civilized business world, despite numerous attempted sanctions by so-called "peace-keeping" pansies.

From its conception in 1523, the elevator was meant to inflict pain. After nearly half a millennium, the elevator has undergone many revisions to ensure that this goal is met and in style, too. The original design for the elevator was quite basic, consisting of merely a large metal box suspended from a substantial height with an iron chain. The box, with the person about to be tortured inside, was raised to the suitably high level and dropped. If the person survived the fall, he was taken out of the box and the process was repeated until the torturee was ready to confess his sins. (Full article...)