Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/August 10

The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit was a notorious criminal that terrorized the city of Milwaukee between the years 1968 and 1970. He was thought to have robbed at least 50 dairy trucks, artisanal cheese shops and priceless antique butter churns. He was caught by police on January 17, 1970, and was sentenced to execution by firing squad. He later escaped prison and shortly died due to choking on the very thing he loved to steal.

His first robbery was at a local Walmart (with a brown paper bag over his head). He ransacked the dairy aisle grabbing all the cheese wheels he could fit down his trousers. Security was called and tried to stop the man, but he threw grated parmesan in their eyes instantly blinding them and severely injuring one. Witnesses reported that his trousers seemed to fit an infinite number of dairy products, as he cleared out the entire dairy aisle, but his trousers barely bulged (apart from the large bulge his milk fed penis made). The Milwaukee Cheese Bandit ran out of the Walmart, hopped in the driver seat of a 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu and hauled ass before armed Food and Drug Administration officials arrived. (Full article...)