Uncyclopedia:10 things you did not know about Uncyclopedia
Believe it or not, Mr. or Mrs. Know-it-All, there's stuff about Uncyclopedia that you can't find out from Wikipedia. Since you internet-using types are so greedy for pointless information (you clicked this link, didn't you?), we've decided to create a comprehensive list of 10 things you did not know about Uncyclopedia. So sit back, relax, and–hey! Put your pants back on! We didn't want you to get that relaxed, dammit!
Okay, fine. But you have to sit here and read the whole thing.
The 10 Things[edit source]
1) We're up for sale![edit source]
Unlike our dim-witted cousins here we're up for sale to whoever pays the most. We accept all major credit cards, cash (in small nonconsecutive bills) and camels. Special layaway options are available. If you agree to pay at least 50% as a down payment, we'll throw in a free toaster and some lint that I have right here in my pocket. And if you call in the next 16.4 seconds you will get taken out to dinner by none other than Oscar Wilde himself![1]
2) All Uncyclopedia articles contain exactly zero saturated facts[edit source]
That's right! Every single article is produced using organic and sustainable hemp, lentils, and electricity, making them completely safe for diabetics and people living in plastic bubbles. The only facts involved are baby oil and petroleum.
The articles are also a good source of fiber, and have been known to spontaneously cure measles, polio, smallpox, and mumps. You haven't seen many people with these diseases since Uncyclopedia started up in 2005, have you? We rest our case.
3) You already know the third thing about Uncyclopedia, so we won't repeat it[edit source]
Yeah, we were going to discuss the third thing you didn't know about Uncyclopedia, but as it turns out, you already knew about it. We couldn't leave a blank space, so this spot is here just as filler. Try thinking about it as a sort of break, a rest for your tired brain after absorbing all this previously unknown information about this website.
Alright lazy-brain, get back to work.
4) We speak 200,000 languages[edit source]
Granted, we may not actually understand 199,973 of them, but as long as there's an online text translator somewhere, we will ensure that all native speakers of Braille, 1337, Kenny McCormick and Beatboxing are able to loosely comprehend at least a few of our articles. And while other blatantly anthropocentric encyclopedias limit their texts to those tongues understood exclusively by humans, we at Uncyclopedia offer our articles in several of the most popular encodings spoken by our soon-to-be algorithmic overlords.
5) Uncyclopedia is not full of jerks and asshats[edit source]
It just looks that way. That one friend of yours who got banned, and then told you how much we, as a website, suck, is actually a complete idiot and probably doesn't know how to write. That one other friend of yours who told you the same thing probably didn't deserve a ban, but we don't feel like doing anything about it.
What were we talking about? Oh yeah; we here at Uncyclopedia are actually a friendly bunch, and we even have some female users in our midst to make the whole place look prettier and smell less like nerd sweat.
6) We do not trust you[edit source]
It is in the nature of a diverse audience like 'humanity' that, while some contributors are of the highest quality of wit and verbosity, others are admittedly complete chuckleheads. We are fully aware of this. We are also fully aware of the fact that you are almost certainly in the latter category.
That's why all of the few good articles, such as Goa Tse, Main Page, An article that contains nothing but a full stop and Special:Random, have been locked, bolted, hermetically sealed, encased in six feet of concrete, and covered with an unassuming tablecloth, so that you and your greasy hands can't possibly alter the perfect, immaculate humour within that cannot possibly ever be improved in the slightest bit by any person for the rest of all history.
7) Every time an Oscar Wilde quote is placed in an article, Chronarion plants a tree in his back yard[edit source]
In honor of the grand master of Uncyclopedia, a large pine tree is being planted in Chron's back yard for each of Oscar's witty sayings. Chronarion has been now officially declared MIA and the new forest mysteriously created in the center of West Virgina. We don't know if he actually lives there, but assume that anything that derails the cosmic order as Uncyclopedia does must originate from West Virgina.
8) We are mostly stamp collectors[edit source]
99.8% of Uncyclopedia's editors are stamp collectors. Famine is only three stamps away from owning all the stamps that were ever made. Whether you claim to be a tenured professor, use your real name, or prefer to remain pseudonymous, you will be judged solely on the rarity of the postage stamps affixed to your article edits.
9) Uncyclopedia is an equal opportunity employer[edit source]
We accept applications from all sorts of editors. Many of them are Black People, White People, Asians, Mexicans, Ninjas, Pirates, Ninja Pirates, Towel Heads, Clinjas, and many more.
10) We're not in it for the long haul[edit source]
We do not want Uncyclopedia to be around at least a hundred years from now. Or even a hundred days from now.[2] You see, we at Uncyclopedia are here to make a quick buck and then disappear to Mexico before the FBI finds our stash of marijuana and stolen children.[3] If anyone asks, we didn't say that, that's no moon, and this page does NOT exist.
Notes[edit source]
- ↑ You must be of legal majority in your country with proper ID, attire, footwear, and headwear to attend this black-tie event. Oh, and did we mention we'd appreciate if you dressed up for it?
- ↑ We probably will though. We were here 100 days ago. Bummer.
- ↑ We are protected under the Fair Use clause of U.S. copyright law. Take that, corporate bitches!
 | This project page was originally sporked from Wikipedia's Ten things you may not know about Wikipedia |