UnNews:We should be more original
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 May 2013
Alright, so I've been going through UnNews's of the past and I notice a worrisome trend that's going on. We're not original enough. Just look at us, all we're ever doing is looking through the Associated Press and changing a few words here and there to make it seem like we reported the stuff. I mean really; we're supposed to be the arbiters, the news of news services, the one to trust when you can trust no one else and this is all we can do? Second rate reporting where we don't even try enough?
Just look at CBS News, they have ads proclaiming how original our reporting is and do you know what we have; just a bunch of scroungers looking for a quick buck. I've seen stories on CBS News not reported by us or our rival Fox News; they really go in-depth with the subject matter, showing the people involved in said story and how they can present a situation to the majority of the American audience. I've looked at UnNews and all I've seen is our reporters smoking weed and who knows what else; they don't bother to try to make the story more like CBS News can, they don't bother to engage with the majority of the audience and they certainly don't care about news because if they did care about news then they would be making news like no one's business.
I say we actually take a stand and reclaim what we've been doing best, which is the news and the only way we can reclaim it is to be original. They say that originality is hard, that we can't come up with original reporting. Well others are doing well and they seem to come up with original ideas all of the time so why can't we do anything original huh? Our writing should touch them in a special place, not in the you know what but in the heart where all emotion and vital functions take place. We should have every American in our grasp, helping improve their lives, making them believe what they want to believe; originality is important in making them believe, they must be able to believe in stuff like American hardships and attacks on our homeland. Writing stuff like "In the news today, a ship was carrying cute kittens" isn't good for our M.O. Instead we should be like "This ship is carrying cute kittens, these Americans are proud to carry kittens, just look into their eyes!"
We should also be original with our news, conjure up stories that nobody ever reported on before. The problem is that every story we report comes from the Associated Press or some other news service; well if we create our own news than people will be praising UnNews as the best news service in town; the first word for everything. Just imagine, being able to see another side of the news that no one else has seen, predicting events before they come true; it could mean big things for UnNews. Sure, they may mock us, call our news "made up" but you know what; they will just be jealous of our ability to create news, to put hope into the millions of Americans that turn to us for news. When they read our original stories, they will be inspired to help out and better their lives, they will also feel pleasure like no one has ever done before.
The road to originality will be tough! Hell - it'll feel like we won't be getting anywhere at all - but we gotta try right? I know it's hard for you to put down your blunts but this editor will not stand for this anymore; we should stop pretending to be original and actually be original. Quit if you want to - but when you walk out the door you'll realize that you threw away your chance at something more, the chance to inspire Americans, the chance to actually report the news. What do you mean you don't care? I'm trying to save UnNews and all you can give me is a careless look, this is your entire future we're talking about! Hell, this is the future of UnNews we're talking about! Fine; walk out but when you notice UnNews' success, don't come crying back to me.