UnNews:Wal-Mart Branches Into Big House Biz

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 April 2006

MIAMI, Florida -- With many of its workers struggling to make ends meet, Wal-Mart unveiled a plan to convert shopping cart storage areas into steel-barred jails.

At the company's annual media conference, Chief Executive and hog wrangler Lee Scott said stores will open prison facilities at half a dozen of its urban locations for employees and their family members convicted of felony crimes.

"This will accommodate a growing need within the community," Scott said in a widely unpublicized speech. "Many Wal-Mart Associates, down on their luck, burglarize their own neighborhood. It helps the bottom line to keep our perps where we can see them."

"We have the space and we supply our own customers," Scott added. "It's win-win."

Wal-Mart has been the subject of controversy for several years, with former Clinton administrator Robert Reich referring to its expansion across the globe as "nine times worse than the spread of bird flu."

Scott called the company's critics "jealous little bitches." He vowed continued growth until every single living person on the planet wears a yellow smiley face and a blue vest.

"We're like John F.-ing Kennedy," he said. "We're going to open supercenters on the moon."

For the most part, local police departments are praising the notion of a giant corporation taking care of its own. "The amount of tax dollars spent on arresting and processing Wal-Mart employees is outrageous as it is," said LA Sheriff Lee Baca. "This development will save millions after incarceration."

Miami-Dade Sheriff Robert Parker disagreed. "It would help a lot if Wal-Mart just raised salaries and offered decent benefits so the people working there didn't feel the need to steal in order to survive."

His objection was roundly shouted down in the press room.