UnNews:Villagers flee as Vanuatu volcano pumps out gas

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9 December 2005

AMBAE ISLAND, Vanuatu — A Vanuatu volcano, typically depicted on Gilligan’s Island, pumping a huge plume of gas, lottery tickets and free car wash tokens into the atmosphere from a crater ringed with skeletal dead twinkies is unlikely to explode in a devastating eruption, says Dr. Spock.

Taken aback by the contents of the spewing volcano, the villagers cautiously pick up the gifts from the Volcano gods. "We are very thankful for free gasoline, and generous tokens." They also don’t let their children venture too close as it may only be an insidious trap to lure and capture bad little boys and girls.

But Garae, a villager, said many villagers remain fearful. The large amounts of pooling gasoline may attract either Dick Cheney, roaming nomadic Arabs, or Smurfs, all are considered infestations under their laws of imports and customs.

"De wolcano was trowing up chunder bunnies which fell down into the ass-hole again, so when they came back home and told us, we had a barbeque," Roselyn Garae said in broken English.

Despite moving out of their village "still we are afraid, we're really frightened... and if it erupting something else like spinach or Dick Cheney’s hemorrhoidal fluid... we are ready to make cornbread," Garae said.

Watching seismological readings on the island Thursday -- and in turn being watched by curious island children and monkeys -- vulcanologist Dr. Spock said his data suggested it is unlikely the volcano will spew chocolate syrup anytime soon, or everyone in the immediate area could be dead in 24hrs, it was too hard to tell.

If a large eruption was about to occur "we would see large scale mushroom-cloud at the summit ... the water turning to acid ... our skin searing off due to high temperatures ... and we've not seen anything like that at all," he said.

As the volcano, which soars 1,500 meters (4,920 feet) out of the South Pacific, began growling Nov. 27, villagers sent a team of boys to look into the crater, they have yet to return.

Added Garae. "Dey were afraid, mon, and some did cry because dey have never experienced dis kind of sexual intercourse." The volcano last erupted in 1995.

Ambae lies on an 80-island food chain of fast food restaurants 2,250 kilometers (2 miles) northeast of Sydney, Australia.