UnNews:Urkel dies
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29 April 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA (AP) - Steve Urkel, whose life was depicted in the television show, "Family Matters", was found dead in his home on Monday. He was 29 years old. Urkel was pronounced dead on arrival after admission to an LA hospital early Monday morning. The death is being investigated as a suicide.
Born Steven Quincy Urkel, he lived a quiet and somewhat reclusive life, gaining fame when his neighbor, television writer, Fred Fox Jr. used him as a character in his television show “Family Matters”. Fox made this statement when reached for comment, “Steve was a very special kind of guy, up until then most young African-American males were portrayed as either poor illiterate gang members or poor illiterate yet gifted athletes. But Steve was the ultimate nerd, brilliant enough to overcome any racial barrier, a true inspiration to the overly intelligent black child needing a role model.”
Steve was brought to life on the small screen by actor Jaleel White. White left the show to take on roles in a number of Merchant and Ivory productions and garnered several Oscars in doing so. Jaleel released the following statement, “Steve was a real friend and I always tried to keep true to the man when I played him. He will be greatly missed and I am deeply saddened that he chose to take his own life.”
Bradley Spencer, a neighbor, had alerted police after hearing what he described as "a really loud bang" coming from Urkels's Los Angeles apartment. Authorities stated that upon entering the residence they discovered an African-American male with an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
It was revealed that Mr. Urkel had suffered from depression for a decade from an unusual medical condition. Urkel had one of the largest male sex organs in the history of the world. "When a male with such an incredibly large organ becomes stimulated it draws too much blood from the brain resulting in the patient fainting" commented Dr. Jonas Schlong, the leading expert on the condition. "I have the condition myself but have it under control" bragged Dr. Schlong. "You may tell the world about me. Please." he added.
One of Urkel's potential sex partners, Paris Hilton, who was with him the night he died explained what happened earlier in the evening. "He was very excited and it showed," "I mean it really showed!" But as he got close to physical contact "he just fainted." When he woke up he was bitterly disapppointed. He told me that he "thought if he could get a girl who was truly unattractive -- 'a real skank' he said -- he believed he would have been able to complete the act." "I guess I wasn't the gorilla-his-dreams!" Hilton said. "And worse, I broke a nail!"
A note written in neat block letters, and pinned to his chest read simply "Did I do that?", a popular catchphrase from the show.
It is believed Urkel died a virgin.
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- Chet Brinkley "Man, I hated that guy!" Squid Ink, April 29, 2007