UnNews:Unews posts Lousy Article

This article is part of UnNews, your source for lousy articles similar to this one.

4 October 2006

Update

Some idiot random user wrote this article about UnNews, and couldn't be bothered to spell UnNews properly (he/she/it wrote "Unews"). What a douche bag.

Rev_zim does not apologise, at all

As a patriotic American, it is my God-given right to write the word "cunty" if that's what I mean. If I meant "lameass", I'd have written that instead of cunty. I most emphatically do NOT apologise! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:36, 5 October 2006 (UTC)

UnNews today posted a lousy article, that was not funny and just stupid.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You should have a sister as nice as this. You make me want to cry!

UNNEWS CITY, Brazil -- UnNews today posted a lousy article, that was not funny and just stupid.

Oh yea? "Unews?" You idiot! Which article, you useless, horse-humping, lameass gobshite?

Authorities are still investigating exactly why and how this utterly worthless article appeared in UnNews. Initial theories are centering around somebody leaving the door to the outhouse (or in Britain, the "outloo") open until somebody with both bad eyesight and smell fell in.

Which is to say, that the person couldn't perceive smells well prior to their tumble into the outshit, rather than that they smelled bad or stunk before they fell in, although they certainly smelt worse than the sailor's condom after they managed to crawl out by stacking small piles of poo until they could reach the rim of the seat. And wasn't she surprised? Not 'alf!

"We're pretty sure we can track down the perp," exploded famed UnNews Editor, Winifred Spunkchoker. "We can follow the smell, even though we don't want to, and would rather the person just fall down in a ditch and get eaten by tapirs."

The Loud Noise

Local residents were disturbed by a loud, grinding sound earlier this morning.

"What's that sound, I said to me wife, Doris," expunged local archeologist, Diggs Diggity. "She tells me to shut me blinkin bloomin gob hole and out wif the cats you go, and so's I go and none the worse for wear, I is."

Shortly after his interview, Mr. Diggity was accosted by the Police, including Sting, and was beaten severely with marmosets until he couldn't remember what letter came after "M" in the alphabet. When told it was "N," Diggity responded, "Well, if'n y'all say so, but I think I gots me a sore in my neurons somewhere, irregardless."

Tests conducted on the article showed it to be composed of nearly 65 percent boron, a rare earth element that tastes something a bit like a mango or hobnail when you add it to a tall glass of ice water. It was discovered in 1853 by Neils Boron, the only member of the royal Boron family to finish high school in a Finnish high school.

Services will be held this Sunday at Our Lady of Surfing Knobs Catholic Church until all tickets are sold, then you are S.O.L., baby.

Police Apologize, Sort Of

Police spokesperson, Andrew Lloyd Webster, read the following statement: "We here at the station wish to express our sincerest sympathy at this most unfortunate turn of events. Had we known then what we know now, boy howdy, we sure wouldn't have been so awkward at the prom, all stubby fingers and tight underwear. But, you live and learn, hopefully. Now, everybody back in the bus before the howler leeches return."

Rev_zim does not apologise, at all

As a patriotic American, it is my God-given right to write the word "cunty" if that's what I mean. If I meant "lameass", I'd have written that instead of cunty. I most emphatically do NOT apologise! Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 21:36, 5 October 2006 (UTC)

Sources

• UnNews Staff "Triffids indeed are dangerous" UnNews, October 4, 2006