UnNews:Under fire, Sarah Palin to begin funding rape kits

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23 October 2008

Shoot, a fellah could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all this stuff.

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- When Sarah Palin took over as Mayor of Wasilla, she wasted no time getting rid of the no-account low-lives in control of the city. The librarian who gave her back-talk about the dirty books in the library? Outta there. The public safety commissioner who stood up for her no-account brother in law? Bye-bye. And when Police Chief Irl Stambaugh tried to stand up for a liberal entitlement socialist health care evidence assistance program for any slut crying rape, he went with the rest.

But even in Wasilla, there are always bleeding heart PC muckrakers trying to stir up trouble, and before long there were people protesting for smut in the library, making up some "Troopergate" story, even passing state and federal laws to demand public funding of rape kits. Under the circumstances, Palin and her people have had to make some compromises, but still proudly insist that they have kept the cost well under the $500-$1200 that was to be billed to victims or their insurance companies before the crazy bitches thought it over and decided they really hadn't minded it after all.

The new kits can be requested at the town hall by any man associated with a rape. They contain one .45 caliber automatic, two boxes of ammunition, four days concentrated emergency rations, one drug issue containing roofies, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination legal defense guide and bible, one hundred dollars in drink special offers, one hundred dollars in gold tone jewelry, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, and three pair a nylon stockings. Reports from the field so far have been favorable, though one fellow we interviewed asked, "Where the heck are the handcuffs?"

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