UnNews:US forgives Cuba for 1959 revolution

Monday, April 13, 2015

Some Americans were shocked to see a President sniffing a cigar that had not previously been used to masturbate a white intern.

The USA has announced that it has forgiven Cuba for the Communist revolution of 1959.

"What happened 56 years ago was really bad," explained President Barrack Obama. "We were very close friends with, er, Batista, whose first name escapes me for the moment. Nonetheless, we have decided it is time to let bygones be bygones and say, 'Hey, Buddy Holly was in the charts when this all happened, maybe it's time to move on.'"

The US imposed an embargo on Cuban goods after the revolution, which means that no American has ever been allowed to drink a Mojito, a Daiquiri or a Cuba Libre and that the only smoking of Cuban cigars that has taken place since the 1960s in the US was performed by insufferably smug rich old white men.

Obama symbolically smoked a cigar during the press conference, stating: "I like my cigars like I like my face - rolled on the thighs of Cuban virgins."

The 21st century did not signal the thawing of relations that many liberals called for, and George W. Bush even added Cuba to his list of countries that made up the Axis of Evil, although he later admitted he did it "mostly because I am a stickler for traditions."

Obama's latest move has enjoyed something of a mixed reaction. There were spontaneous salsa-based street parties in Cuba, as locals dreamed that the influx of American investment would mean they could replace their 1950s Cadillacs with sleek new Hyundais.

However, some 1131 miles north of the island in Washington D.C., many Republicans seized the opportunity to lambast the President. "When people say Obama is not a dirty pinko Commie Red, I just don't understand it," said Senator Bob Taggart. "He gets into power and then BOOM - seven short years later he opens diplomatic relations with Castro."

And anyone thinking this may all lead to a boom in tourism in Cuba ought to bear one thing in mind. Eternal frat girl Joanna Corey told UnNews: "The whole point in going to Cuba was that it was forbidden - you couldn't fly directly there, you couldn't bring stuff back, you did it bareback with the waiters in your hotel room. To be honest without that sense of it being off limits I am going to have to look elsewhere.

"Maybe a week in North Korea?"