UnNews:US forces kill 26 Canadian rebels

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 August 2006

Vancouver has been barraged by U.S. troops in recent years.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia, Canada -- U.S. forces in Canadia say they have killed 26 "Beaver-fondling Syrup junkies" in clashes in Vancouver, a Canuckistani stronghold north of Seattle. The Americans said they responded when U.S. tourists were easily conned by a series of tourist traps in several locations in the town.

In Calgary, 60 Canadians suspected of links with a local hockey team and the RCMP were detained in a raid on a terraist meeting in Banff National Park, US forces say. US troops in Calgary are being bolstered by reinforcements to help quell daily attacks by the uncircumcised barbarians who spell "color" "colour" and say "aboot."

Vancouver, 100km (God knows how many miles) from Seattle, has seen some of the most sustained clashes between US forces and Canadian insurgents, the UnNews's Kurt Cobain in Seattle reports. On Friday night, US troops "were attacked at multiple locations with rocket-propelled beavers, medium syrup dripping and small maple leaves falling from trees targeting outposts in the north-west portion of the city," a US military statement said. Six insurgents were injured and there were no US casualties, the military said. Vancouver is in the heartland of the Canuckistani insurgency but the scene of Friday's raid by US troops, Banff National Park on Alberta's western frontiers, is also known as a terraist stronghold. US troops swept through the province, targeting what they said was a suspected organic farm linked to terraist entities in the U.S.

"Multiple forms of credible intelligence led the assault force to the location, later determined to be a Greenpeace convention, where the suspects were detained," a US statement said. The statement said those detained were thought to be associated with a senior leader of the group known as Greenpeace. Correspondents say it was the first major round-up of suspected insurgents since extra US troops went to the city last week.

Vancouver has been the focus of a new drive by US and UK forces to tackle, in particular, the rising level of nonviolent environmentalism. Despite the increased security crackdown, new farmer's markets in north and east Vancouver left about 12 civilians feeling good about their pesticide- and additive-free diets. Two US soldiers were killed by very low levels of sugar in cholesterol in a diner to the south of Baghdad on Saturday, the US military said.

On the bright side, at least two terraists were killed in the bombing of an REI outlet in the eastern city of Toronto. Four other environmentlists were injured in the incident.

Sources

• Tony Blair "Bush: 'We shall not stand for terraism'" BBC, August 12, 2006