UnNews:To honor Earth Day, man goes over Niagara Falls in teacup
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 April 2011
NIAGARA FALLS, New York - To celebrate both Earth Day and his birthday, a local resident went over Niagara Falls in a teacup this morning and lived to tell about it. "My God man," CNN reporter Anderson Cooper asked Brian Kinnelipe in an exclusive interview, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I first wanted to go over the Falls in a teacup when I was a lad," Kinnelipe said, water falling from his mouth with every breath, "and I decided to do it on my 21st birthday, to prove I was a man. It is also Earth Day, and my message is that we should not treat our planet roughly, but as gently as we would a fragile teacup."
"You didn't answer my question," Cooper persisted, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"When my teacup, which I built last year using mylar-based unbreakable ultra-ceramics technology, first went over the Falls, my life passed before my eyes not once, but at least half-a-dozen times. I was wondering where I'd lost that pen," Kinnelipe continued, showing Cooper his pen. "Then the sensation of falling through space while wet came upon me, and continued until the rocks."
"As soon as the teacup hit the boulders, I had to hold on to it and my curtain rod for dear life. The teacup bounced several times before starting to swirl in the water, and round and round we went, just like at Disneyland. 'Wheeeeeeeee!', I said to myself, 'Wheeeeeeeeeee!'"
Passersby reported seeing Kinnelipe and his teacup - named The Gaylord Nelson in honor of the founder of Earth Day - swirling in the water beneath the falls, going round and round. Japanese tourists took pictures, and little girls pointed and waved at the figure below, which they mistook for a doll. Finally the teacup with its excited passenger was dragged aboard The Maid of The Mist, a tour boat which doubles as a coroner's vehicle for wayward adventurers.
When asked what the fuck was wrong with their son, Kinnelipe's parents, Fred and Ethel Kinnelipe of Niagara Falls, had no comment other than to unplug the phone and not answer the door. When Anderson Cooper persisted, yelling from the sidewalk up to their bedroom window - the only window in the house without curtains - "What the fuck is wrong with your son!" only silence met the journalistic inquiry. "What the fuck is this family hiding?" Cooper wondered.
