UnNews:Tigger Woods claims he loves golf more than sex

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15 July 2010

Tigger Woods ditched Piglet so that Betty Boop could carry his golf bag.

ST. ANDREWS, Scotland -- Reformed soft toy sex addict Tigger Woods says he is much happier playing golf than spending time in the bushes with blabber mouthed 'naughty girls'.

Speaking after just finishing a round of golf at the famous McHundred Acre Wood golf course in St.Andrews,Scotland, Tigger Woods happily jumped around and waggled his stripey behind to the press.

"Yes I am so glad to get back on the green again and pokin' the balls away as before," he said in between bounces. "I love being in Scotland, a land of broadminded people where even the men wear skirts. I am here to win and I have been polishing and spraying my brand new putter to show everyone that Tigger still has the touch. And I wanted everyone to see, that all that stuffing between my ears is now dedicated just to golf."

Tigger then practiced of his new strokes for the cameras and introduced his new caddy, helium voiced Betty Boop. He said that his previous caddy Piglet was 'lowering the handsome quota' every time they appeared together on television and so had been fired 'the swine' a few days earlier. When asked by a reporter from Hustler why he was employing 'a well known cartoon cock teaser to sort out his sponsored golfing equipment', the smiling Tigger changed mood and flashed an angry scowl at the media.

Piglet had to go, I discovered it was him that had shopped my private life details to my wife Pippi Longstocking. I needed a new helper so Betty Boop was the perfect choice.

This was the cue for a high pitch giggle from the new caddy:

"...I sure do Tigger..hehehehehe..swing that new putter for me too you gorgeous little beast. "

Tigger Woods then added:

"...Betty knows that I am a reformed, loveable and 100% washable toy for all ages. So anyone who thinks I am going to leave this press conference and retire to my private toy box with Betty for some late night work outs are...er.....oh..."

Journalists would have asked Tigger more questions but the slippery golfer pulled Betty to him and together they were last seen bouncing along towards the eighteenth hole.

Sources

• Staff "Tiger Woods only wants to play golf." The Guardian, July 15, 2010