UnNews:This City's infrastructure in need of repair: Chief Surveyor

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 September 2011

Chief Surveyor Wolf's image is unavailable, but if he's lucky, he looks nothing like Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, pictured here.

THIS CITY, California -- This City's homeowners may have something more to fear than falling property values. According to Chief Surveyor Peter Wolf, up to 80% of This City's oldest buildings will need foundation repairs in the next ten years, most requiring completely new basements.

Wolf presented his findings to City Council and a packed gallery yesterday. City Surveyors have, for the last two months, been conducting inspections of This City's infrastructure following the deadly collapse of the Starship Memorial Dancehall last year. “It may be too early to tell, but by 2021 half of This City's downtown buildings will have toppled,” said Wolf. “That includes Golden Gate Bridge, City Hall and Your Favorite Radio Station.

“All buildings constructed from This City's founding in 1980 until about 1990 are at risk,” continued Wolf. “At fault is the construction of the basements from this period, which used rock and roll instead of cement.”

Rock and roll, normally a musical genre, also enjoyed popularity as a building material from 1960 to 1990. Hard Rock can be used to build walls, while Heavy Metal can be used for frames and girders. From 1980 to 1990, the quality of rock and roll suffered significantly as construction companies sought ways to lower their costs. Many resorted to using soft rock or pop rock in foundations. Airplane Contractors, now bankrupt, received the majority of contracts following This City's founding in 1980 and heavily used rock and roll.

Amid heated outcries from the assembled crowd, Mayor Taupin was forced to end the meeting early. He declined to comment. Meanwhile an impromptu protest formed outside City Hall, led by Juan Marconi, a homeowner and retired mambo-player. “It's about time the mayor has taken notice of this issue. My basement has been crumbling for years. They call us irresponsible and write us off the page, but it's about time those politicians realize what homeowners have been saying since the nineties. We never should have built This City on rock and roll.”

Sources

• James Mennie "Crack now an issue for foundations, not just black people" This City Gazette, September 16, 2011