UnNews:Tetris won by gamer; everyone flabbergasted

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 March 2008

DALLAS, Texas -- Tetris, long thought to be the ultimate unwinnable game, has been won by A. Nerd, of Dallas, TX, on a TI-89 Titanium. Everyone, including Mr. Nerd, is ultimately flabbergasted.

"I thought it would take an eternity to finish this thing," commented Nerd. "But I did finish it. I think it was definitely harder than Halo or Half-Life; it's a different beast."

Mr. Nerd's intelligence, as well as thumb physiology, is certainly normal, doctors have concluded. "I don't see anything in his joints that would give him an unfair advantage in winning Tetris."

However, other gamers suspect some foul play. I. B. Puzzled, of Ames, IA, says, "I've been trying to beat Tetris for an eternity now. It's impossible! I think this guy hacked into the game to win it." Mr. Nerd has denied this allegation.

Y. Askme of Philadelphia, PA, says, "I think he took anabolic steroids. You know, the ones that build up your thumb muscles for superior performance?" Mr. Nerd, despite showing all the side effects (and we mean ALL of them) from anabolic steroids, denies this claim: "I work with the honor system."

Ever since Tetris was released in 1985 for the general consumption of the Soviet citizenry, the winnability (or lack of winnability, rather) of the game has flabbergasted, mind-boggled, puzzled, and blew the minds of many scholarly types who have researched the game. They have generally concluded that Tetris will finish in failure, many without even playing the game.

Now many scholars are puzzled at the winnability of Tetris. "Surely, if there is a string of S and Z tetrominoes," concluded Irma Genius in the 2008 World Tetris Researchers' Convention, "you can't finish Tetris, and that's what blows my mind about this Nerd. I think there may be some foul play involved here." Dr Genius was subsequently assassinated by an unknown sniper.

The last question we asked Mr. Nerd was: "What was the ending?"

Mr Nerd replied, "the explosion of my gaming calculator."

Sources

• 6.5 billion people have written "Tetris" Wikipedia, for an eternity