UnNews:Take That to melt down Brit award into gun and shoot Robbie Williams

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 February 2007

London, UK-- Take That stole the show at The Brits last night — but shocked fans by suggesting they will use the metal in the Brit award to MAKE A GUN!

The quartet scooped "Best Single" for No. 1 comeback song Patience and performed it to an adoring crowd: however, their fiendish plan soon had the crowd shocked.

GARY BARLOW, MARK OWEN, HOWARD DONALD and JASON ORANGE were predicted to dedicate their triumphant return to Robbie, who was admitted to a clinic in America this week after confessing to being hooked on prescription drugs.

But they preferred to melt down the award, then have it fashioned into a weapon by a local blacksmith.

In an exclusive chat, Jason said: "We hope he uses it to blow his brains out. He's got a particularly fat face, so it needs to be a high-calibre weapon."

Robbie is king of The Brits, having collected the most awards in its 27-year history with 14 gongs, three of which came during his Take That years: however, the fat, overpaid waster is now surely at death's door, and this offering can be the key that opens that door, sending Robbie to a life in Hell which he surely deserves, particularly after that last album.

And fans at the ceremony last night jeered every mention of his name. Rival Noel Gallagher mocked the star. The Oasis leader told radio station Heart FM: "If you take drugs, you end up in rehab unless you’re a f****** rock like me — and then you just give them up. We’ve all been there, but if you can’t stand the heat . . ."

Robbie had been nominated for a Brit for "Most Annoying British Act" - but he checked in at The Meadows Clinic on Tuesday — his 33rd birthday.

The depressing depressed star has paid around £30,000 for a 35-day program me at the centre in Arizona, which treated model Kate Moss for her addiction to benylin.

It was revealed yesterday that Williams is hooked on sleeping pills and the anti-depressant Seroxat.

He also downs 36 double espressos and 20 cans of energy drink Red Bull, and smokes 60 Silk Cut cigarettes a day. Although given how much money he has, that's a pretty tame intake - why isn't he on cocaine and heroin?

Sources at The Meadows said Robbie’s first stage of treatment would be detox, under the close watch of doctors: he will then be forced to sign a contract so he can never create any more insipid music. Ever.

He will have 24-hour care and receive lots of exposure to group therapy. Part of the process will involve getting to know what triggers his need for the drugs - particularly such lame drugs.

A nation is hoping that the arrival of the Brit Award Gun from Take That will certainly trigger something.