UnNews:Sumo Summer Camp for kids to open
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 April 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA - The American Sumo Association has announced it will be opening a number of Sumo Summer Camps for overweight children. The inspiration for this new camp was a Harvard Study released last year that concluded that the United States has a lot of really fat kids.
Retired Sumo grand champion Akebono (Chad Rowan) realized this was yet another natural resource the US has not exploited. In a recent interview, he explained, “The practice of American parents overindulging their whining brats has become commonplace. All this time we have been fattening up our kids and it’s been considered a cruel, even abusive practice by many health professionals. But now we can use this to our advantage. The Association has access to literally hundreds of thousands of potential Sumo wrestlers. Our camps can turn these kids lives around, they go from being the victims of fat jokes, to heroes of athletics. Plus they get to eat all kinds of crap and their parents won’t need to feel the slightest bit of guilt. Imagine looking at your 300 pound ten year old and saying with pride, ‘Yup, my boy is a Sumo.' I can see the US dominating the sport for many years to come.”
The camps will feature experienced teachers who have all competed professionally. Each one a Master of the ancient Japanese art of Sumo, Every one considered a living legend by the people of a far away land that most of us know nothing about. Instruction in many forms of fighting technique are given, including the “two point shove” and the “loin at the groin twist”. The children go home bigger and better, skilled shoving and slapping machines.
13 year old Bubba Hendricks had this to say about attending a three week test camp last summer, "The schedule was rigorous but all of us kids thought it was the best camp we’ve ever been to, especially after we found out there were 6 meals a day plus a 24-hour dessert buffet. I put on 30 pounds and my counselor patted me on my back fat and told me how proud he was. It was great !”
Tuition is a surprisingly low since the only clothing is a loin cloth, and food is purchased in bulk quantities. Head cook Hiro Sanwicho, explained the diet, “We keep them eating most of the day, fat is weight and weight is momentum, we want them to be unstoppable forces and immoveable objects."
Enrollment has begun but camps are filling fast, information is available at “SumoSummer.com”