UnNews:Suicide bomber triggers "three-strikes" law on morons

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 September 2010

This is the site of the attempted "bombing," though in a few days the tenants will cease to bomb for the year.

CHICAGO, Illinois -- Sami Samir "Sammy" Hassoun has had his bail denied and is set to appear in court on charges of violating a terrorism-era "three-strikes" law against triply-stupid criminals.

Mr. Hassoun, a 22-year-old citizen of Lebanon who is a permanent resident of the U.S., planted what he thought was a bomb in a sports lounge just south of the Wrigley Field baseball stadium in Chicago. He had talked about committing acts of violence for monetary gain and to cause political transformation. Assassinating the mayor was another notion he had, except of course for the bodyguards; as was poisoning Lake Michigan, which is sort of large.

Unfortunately for Mr. Hassoun, the bomb was a fake; and his supposed accomplices, who supplied him the "bomb," were actually agents of the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force. According to the FBI, it was merely a paint can dressed up to look like a bomb.

Says Waseem Hashlamoun, someone who knew Mr. Hassoun: "The Islamist suicide-bombing force is inexperienced, and they don't make the best of decisions. There are no veterans of suicide bombings on the force at all."

Mr. Hassoun's third mistake was to target hundreds of fans of the Chicago Cubs baseball team. Says Mr. Hashlamoun, "Sammy just didn't realize that these people actually would be better off dead. Many of them want to be dead. Their team hasn't won a championship in 102 years. What point would there be to deal more mayhem and sadness to this pathetic population?"

This additional mistake may trigger the Illinois "three-strikes" law, passed a decade ago to cover cases of crime committed by morons. Though it takes its name from the sport of baseball, it actually covers triply-stupid acts in all fields of endeavor. The only time the law had been used is against Steve Bartman, who in 2003 reached onto the field of play and deflected a batted ball, denying hometown player Moisés Alou an easy catch and costing the Cubs the pennant, probably. This single act was ruled triply stupid and Mr. Bartman is currently in prison in Joliet, along with the Blues Brothers.

Sources

• AP Staff "Chicago bomb suspect to appear in court" News Tribune, September 30, 2010

• Kristyn Hartman et al "Bomb Suspect's Attorney: Client 'Not A Terrorist--Just A Little Slow-Witted'" CBS Channel 2, Chicago, September 22, 2010