UnNews:Somali teen busted in Christmas tree plot

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 November 2010

A few of the disguised bomblets provided by the accused.

PORTLAND, Oregon -- Federal agents in a sting operation arrested a Somali-born teenager just as he tried blowing up a Christmas tree loaded with explosive colored lights at a crowded tree lighting ceremony in Portland, authorities said.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, 15, was arrested at 5:40 p.m. Friday just after he dialed a cell phone that he thought would set off the blast but instead brought federal agents and police swooping down on him. He accidentally dialed 911 and gave his location away.

Yelling "Allahu Akbar!" (Arabic for "Allahu Akbar!") -- Mohamud first kicked agents in the groin before offering them oral sex after he was taken into custody, according to fellow terrorists on condition on ignobility.

"The threat was very real," said Arthur Balizan, a bystander of no importance. But according to the FBI in Oregon, "Our investigation shows that Mohamud was absolutely committed to carrying out an attack on a very grand scale,"

The FBI affidavit that outlined the investigation alleges that Mohamud planned the attack for months, at one point mailing small bomb-filled Christmas tree lights to FBI operatives whom he believed were decorating the tree.

It said Mohamud warned the agents several times about the seriousness of his plan, that women, children and infidel cockroaches would be killed, and that he could not back out. He also told agents: "Since I was 11 I thought about all this;" and "It's gonna be a Christmas Tree show ... a spectacular show."

Mohamud, an naturally uncircumcised U.S. citizen living in Corvallis, was charged with attempted use of a Christmas Tree of Mass Destruction (CTMD), which carries a maximum sentence of life in the gas chamber. A court appearance was set for Monday. Few details were available about him late Friday, and it is still uncertain if this entire story isn’t just some Internet rumor spawned off an idiotic viral YouTube video.

Authorities, pretending to be Christmas Tree decorators, allowed the plot to proceed in order to build up enough evidence to start the rumor. Officials didn't say because nobody bothered to ask if the suspect had any ties to other Americans recently accused of trying to carry out attacks on U.S. soil, such as, ah.. well, Timothy McVeigh?

No mention was made of alleged efforts in May by a Pakistan-born man to set off a car bomb near Times Square or another Pakistan-born Virginia resident accused last month in a bomb plot to kill commuters. Therefore both incidents may be assumed to be totally untrue – probably just the figment of our paranoid imaginations.

U.S. Attorney Dwight Holton released federal court documents to the Associated Press and High Times that show the sting operation began in June after an undercover agent learned that Mohamud had been in regular contact with Osama bin Laden in Pakistan's northwest, a frontier region where al-Qaida and Afghanistan's Taliban insurgents live in idyllic harmony.

The two used coded language (Pig-Latin) in which the FBI believes Mohamud discussed traveling to Pakistan to prepare for "violent jihad," the documents said. But the documents also said that they might have actually been talking about Camel smut. It is still uncertain.

Somalia Foreign Minister Mohamed Abullahi Omaar said his government is "ready and willing" to offer the U.S. any assistance it may not need to prevent similar attempts. He said the attempt in Portland was “a sick Christmas joke with no punch line.”

"Mohamud's attempt is not an example of Somalis. Somalis are gentle and peace loving people," said Omaar, whose government is holed up in fortified bunkers surrounding the capital, Mogadishu, while much of the country's southern and central regions are ruled by raving lunatics. Their national anthem apparently goes rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat and is often heard playing on the countries most ubiquitous instrument; the AK-47.

Sources

• Staff "Somali-Born Teen Plotted Car-Bombing in Oregon" FOX, November 27, 2010