UnNews:Snapchat Owner Masturbates to Everything
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Snapchat founder and owner Evan Spiegel has today revealed that he personally masturbates to each and every photo that is sent using the service.
Snapchat is a popular smart phone app that is now used by millions across the world. Users of the app can send photographs in privacy as they get deleted seconds after a being viewed, or so we thought.
It is now revealed that every snap is saved on a central database which Spiegel has full access to, and masturbates to.
At a mysterious and hastily called press conference today- Spiegel made the announcement that “Snapchat isn’t as private as we said. I have misled you all.”
Spiegel spoke of how Snapchat was just part of his master plan to masturbate to everyone’s photographs. “You fools thought your photographs were deleted and safe, well no! I masturbate to them all, each and every one of them. That picture of your sister on the beach, that one of your mom on her birthday, the one of your cousin’s bah mitzvah, that picture of your new puppy.
"Remember that picture of the sun gently nestling behind a snowy Alaskan cabin? Well I fucking came so fucking hard to that one.”
“It wasn’t about the money,” the owner of the multi-billion dollar company added. “It was just about masturbating to all of your pictures.”
The announcement has been met with obvious outrage and when questioned how he expects to not be punished for this he simply replied: “I don’t care what people do or say, I masturbated to billions of your pictures and there’s fuck all you can do about it.”
The news has exploded with #snapwank trending on Twitter. Many users of the social network also use Snapchat and have been expressing their disappointment and tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists have been relishing telling everyone "I told you so."
While the future of Snapchat looks uncertain and stock prices plummet, some have come out in praise of Spiegel’s honesty and admit they would do the same in his position.