UnNews:Smokey Bear revealed to be the leading cause of fires
CALIFORNIA - The devastating wildfires that have been raging LA and Southern California - including the homes of many celebrities - have claimed 27 at last count and caused $250 billion in damages. While it was initially suspected of being caused by global warming and/or "human factors" such as arson, after recent investigation from the FBI, it has been revealed that Smokey Bear is part of a covert organization to start wildfires.
The cabal also includes Smokey Robinson, Smoky Barrett, the ghost of Smoky Dawson, Smoky Mountain Wrestling, Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files, The Marlboro Man, Joe Camel, Smokey on O'Reilly, and Smokey and the Bandit. And formerly David Lynch until his Thursday death.
"This is my revenge for the CGI mess my ad council has made of me in recent years," Smokey Bear says. "I'm supposed to be big, rugged and voiced by Sam Elliott. But those goddamn woke liberal snowflakes turned me into a cute little Chuck E. Cheese f----t. This is why my man, Donald Trump, won!"
When asked how we went from an ardent environmentalist into full-blown MAGA, the famous ursus explained, "The hell did you expect? I'm 80!"
However, the subject of the bear's admiration doesn't approve. "Fuck Smokey! If I wanted to destroy Hollywood, I'd just post some dementia-addled nonsense on Truth Social," the president-elect posted... on Truth Social.
"Now, I'm not saying climate change didn't play a part," Smokey Bear admits. "The earth has been hotter than hell lately. And just look at what my brother Yogi has done to Greece. That'll teach you not to give him your goddamn pick-a-nic baskets!"
"I second that emotion!" Robinson concurs.
As for the other Smokeys and the rest of the cabal, the Motown crooner Smokey Robinson blamed his crusade on "Chanooka coming late last year. It's usually a few weeks before Christmas." He also blamed Berry Gordy for stiffing him at the legendary Detroit record label.
"That guy from Amistad made more money than I did," the "Tears of a Clown" hitmaker said.
Joe Camel cited cancel culture. "30 years ago, I was the face and name of Camel Cigarettes, but oh no, you can't have a cartoon camel selling cigarettes. Think of the children!" He yelled over Fox News playing too loudly in the background.