UnNews:Senior refuses to talk; Daughter upset
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 May 2009
San Diego, California - "It all started out on Friday night," said Kathy McMann, mother of three stay-at-home adults. "I had just finished making my famous Rotten Shrimp Soup. As I always do, I called my three children, Susy, Tyler, and Jocke to dinner. I also called my mother and father, who both couldn't manage to pay for their cheap little shacks, so they moved into my house. Anyway, they all came, except for my father. I knew something was up when he didn't sprint to the table on What-the-hell-is-mom-going-to-make-for-dinner-Fridays."
"So then I walked over to the living room, where he sat with a blank stare watching the tube," she said. "He was just... just... sitting there. He never just sits there! He's always watching the show with extreme intent or jumping around or something! It was the strangest I've ever seen him act." Kathy soon determined that she must get his attention and get him to his serving of healthy soup. If he didn't eat his soup, Kathy would get very, very, mad.
"I tried initially by saying his name in a mocking manner. As you could guess, this pathetic attempt did not work. Then I decided to throw eggs at him. After going to the shop and buying a carton of eggs, I brought them home and gave all twelve of them a good hardy chuck at Pop." said Kathy. "This didn't work either. I had to resort to desperate measures." After her "egg fight" as her kids called it, Kathy had to turn off the TV. Then she brought a frying pan and threatened to whack her father with it. When he did not move, she followed through with her threat.
"Actually, I found it quite thrilling to let out all of my hatred on the dirty bastard. He was the one who kept me from going to school and instead made me shine his shoes every day for hours." Said the daughter of the man. Still, after being battered with a frying pan, the man refused to move. Kathy began to throw bricks at his arms. Then, she got her trusty croquet mallet and started crushing his feet. "She said, 'Get up, you bastard! COME GET SOME DINNER!' It was really quite disturbing watching mother act as though she hated grandfather." Said Jocke, one of Kathy's three 30 year old children. "I ran off and hid in the corner. It was so scary!"
After the series of attempts to make her father come to dinner, Kathy finally called the police. They came to the house to check on the man. They game him a push, and then they checked his pulse. It turns out he had been dead the whole time.
Once Kathy heard this, all she could say was: "Oh."