UnNews:Senate shoots down gun bill; LaPierre returns to underworld for slumber and bloodfeast
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 April 2013
The U.S. Senate voted in underwhelming opposition to several amendments to the Safe Communities, Safe Schools Act of 2013, crushing all hopes that the bill will ever be passed. The bill would have put the names of people barred from buying guns into the national criminal background check system, something considered by some to be too revolutionary and experimental to even be attempted. Many lawmakers also rightly pointed out that this bill would eventually lead to Nazi Commie fascism, or worse: more gun control.
The bill would also require a background check for every firearm sale, which is considered an improvement to the current background check system colloquially known as "Not if you pay in cash." This portion of the bill has also been criticized because potential madmen would just steal guns anyways since theft would be the only legal way of circumventing a background check. Indeed, many defenseless gun stores and gun owners are concerned that they will have their guns stolen by disturbed killers as gun stores and gun owners are traditionally the most common victims of such crimes. Much data, including data from the National Rife Association website, shows that unarmed persons and grocery stores are disproportionately unaffected by gun thefts. This means, of course, that the best way to protect yourself from having your gun(s) stolen is to buy a gun.
The amendments, such as the Manchin-Toomey amendment, would have expanded the background checks to gun shows and online sales. Thankfully, more than 1/3 of the Senate was persuaded to oppose the bill and invoke the notorious "minority rule", a Senate tradition allowing the legislative body to get absolutely nothing done. Consequently, the Senate could not pass a single amendment despite having eight more votes in favor of some such as Machin-Toomey.
The legislation is opposed by the NRA, a well-known straw purchaser of "goodwill" from gun companies who then sells it to legislators. The NRA's president, Wayne LaPierre, was the most vocal and honest critic of the gun control legislation as he had no public office to run for.
Following the defeat of the amendments and presumably the rest of the bill, LaPierre announced his return to his subterranean slumber amongst the rest of the Morlocks, an underground race of deformed, subhuman cannibals first documented in the H.G. Wells historical autobiography The Time Machine. TMZ began circulating rumors in December 2012 that LaPierre might be a member of the Morlock royal dynasty, but these rumors were unconfirmed until recently.
LaPierre, as Morlock royalty, will feast upon the blood of the day dwellers in between his eons of slumber. Only when another step is nearly taken toward peace in the upper world will the blood prince rise to resecure the exsanguination for eternity. As a result, LaPierre made Time Magazine's Top 100 List of Most Influential Persons. He made spot #69 thanks to many votes from the Morlock community, with 30,784 votes in favor of LaPierre making spot #69 and 40,837 votes against LaPierre making the list at all.