UnNews:Scientists prove elephants aware of other elephants
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 October 2006
Mirror test implies elephants are aware of other elephants
By Paul Simon
Bronze, NY If you're happy and you think you know it and you're reading this you're a liar. Scientists have recently discovered that some zoo elephants are aware of other elephants and are currently theorizing that elephants in the wild may be aware of the existence of other elephants in the wild, allowing them to mate and eventually reproduce by raising offspring to adulthood. The discovery of this knowledge may lead scientists to one day assist in repopulating the earth with various species of elephants, as it once was populated, including the famous mammoth found in the tundra with an erection. The question of the latter's ability to discern whether or not other elephants existed is not a debate, as that particular mammoth was found boofing a landslide, not a female mammoth. This probably explains the demise of the mammoth.
Researchers believe that such complex behavior as recognizing others of your own species is not found in most animals, thus explaining the need for Save the Animal organizations devoted to teaching animals to recognize others of their species, in particular others of the opposite sex, and others that are genetically related and of the opposite sex, to increase the gene pool. Some species, however, recognize members of the same species, but also recognize how ugly they themselves are, and generally forego mating, as is the case with chimpanzees. Dolphins, however, although they recognize self, recognize human visitors to Sea-World as self, also, and have a tendency towards inappropriate display of sexual desires for other species.
That recognization of others of same species may underlie the social complexities of trying to save the mammals, it may be different for amphibians. This also raises interesting avenues of research for scientists to explore in the area of empathy--can an animal that doesn't recognize self display empathy towards other species? And altruism--can an altruistic animal recognize others of the same species soon enough to limit themselves to spreading their seed among their own species, rather than to landslides, as in the case of the Siberian Mammoth?
Scientists learned that elephants recognized other elephants by putting an unhappy elephant in a funhouse hall of mirrors. In spite of the multitude of reflections of other elephants in the mirrors, the unhappy elephant managed not to break any mirrors, thereby assuring herself of 7 elephant or 19.73 human years of good luck. As a reward for this behaviour, the zoo allowed the elephant to be rented out to an art exhibit to have her skin painted with mangos.
The elephant did touch the mirrors at times, due to portions of the hallway being designed only to accommodate the average 1990s American, not the 21st century behemoth American. "It seemed to verify for us that the elephant was aware of others of her species," said lead researcher Dr. Packin, of the Berm Institute for Mammoly, in Switzerland.
American graduate students were allowed to draw funny faces on the funhouse mirrors before the pachyderm was inserted into the funhouse. The psychologist who designed this test to investigate the breeding capabilities of the human race commented, "This strongly suggests that elephants have been mating in the wild for quite some time now."
Scientists are currently planning to replicate the experiment by erecting large mirrors throughout known Asian and African elephant territory. The will erect paleomirrors in the Siberian permafrost to test the Siberian mammoth, miniature paleomirrors on the Channel Islands off the coast of California, and underwater mirrors underwater near Sicily. The latter erection will help scientists to understand whether or not swimming elephants dive.
The National Science Foundation is currently accepting grant applications to insert Evangelista Christians into funhouses. Graduate students will again be allowed to draw funny faces on the mirrors before the Christians are inserted. The experiment will take place after the hall is widened sufficiently for the emplacement of 21st century Americans.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Paul Simon "National Academy of Elephant Quackery" ASP, October 31, 2006