UnNews:Scientist fed up with speed of light

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 January 2012

There goes the neighborhood

Stockholm, Sweden -- Scientists have finally had enough. "We've been catering to the speed of light for too long" One guy with a beard and lab coat said. After much debate, scientists have decided, that all limitations set forth by the speed of light will be ignored. They liken this to removing the speed limit on the autobahn. "It'll help us move around the universe with less limitation" One professor said. Explaining "It's like we've been stuck behind the speed of light, which is this god awful turquoise minivan full of kids, going 45 mph on the freeway, blasting Taylor Swift music, well, we just got to passing lane, and we're going to gun it"

After this decision, the prices of infinite energy fell significantly. Formerly, infinite energy cost an infinite amount of money. Now that it is no longer necessary to exceed the speed of light, one can purchase infinite energy for a finite price of $2.76806406 × 10⁶⁴

"Who the hell is this speed of light to decide my mass, when nearing it's speed, needs infinite energy to go as fast as it, has it seen gas prices lately?" - Guy with a degree in liberal arts.

It's theorized, with this rule abolished, pizza delivery places will become highly competitive. Trying to delivery pizza in under 30 minutes will no longer be an issue, instead the ultimate goal will be to do it in less than 12 parsecs.

Following this announcement, the speed of light, updated its facebook, it is no longer in a relationship.