UnNews:Science proves: Soy milk not actually milk

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 April 2007

Scientists today discovered that Soy milk isn't actually milk. Dr John Humphries of the Food Institute today announced that after extensive searching of 10 varieties of soy bean, not one nipple has been discovered on any soy bean to date.

"After analyzing close to a hundred thousand soy beans under microscopes, we can accurately report that there are no nipples on soy beans. The impact of this on industry is going to be huge, for years people have been drinking so-called soy milk when soy is not even a mammal" Said Dr Humphries in a press conference later today.

Over a period of five years Dr Humphries and colleagues have been investigating the possibility of the non-existence of the nipple on soy beans. Debate has raged since the inception of soy milk and early studies claiming soy beans are mammals have now been debunked by Dr Humphries' inability to pin point the location of a nipple or three on the fated bean.

Dr Humphries recalled "10 years ago people were talking about the soy bean being a mammal, and I was ridiculed for going against the common belief at the time. I can only say, thank God we debunked this myth before soy-blood was introduced."

Indeed after the success of soy milk and the less successful soy meat, the soy industry was looking to expand into soy blood products which would be used in medical procedures.

In retaliation the soy industry has hired a bunch of scientists to disprove the existence of the nipple.