UnNews:School Counselor Almost Actually Accomplishes Something

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 July 2008

Excites School Counselor Communities Worldwide

Falkland Islands, Wisconsin: In the closest call of the entire decade, school counselor Kate Grimm almost actually accomplished something in the form of rebellious student Mark Hamilton.

Mark Hamilton, the child that Mrs. Grimm almost actually accomplished something with.

For several weeks, Mrs. Grimm talked with Mark Hamilton and led him into confessing several personal problems that were causing him to act out, such as his parents' recent divorce and his abusive older brother. With pride, she counseled and assisted him through all of his issues, hoping to eventually reach a breakthrough.

Though Mrs. Grimm attempted to keep the story quiet, the news quickly spread throughout School Counselor social networks, and was received with great joy. "If Mrs. Grimm actually manages to change this child," one source beamed, "Our career will finally have a purpose. She may even win some awards for this; after all, this would be the first time that a member of our community will have really done something noteworthy." Even if not, several mentioned that "it's at the very least the closest someone has ever gotten."

Mrs. Grimm attempted to remain humble throughout all of the affairs, though clearly excited about the prospect herself. "Mark is showing signs of improvement," she told UnNews in an exclusive interview. "And we are hoping that he might calm down and become a good role model for the other students like him." At this, she paused to consider her future, finally concluding with, "What if I could change some of the other children, too?" She smiled slightly and whispered, "That would be incredible."

Unfortunately for Mrs. Grimm and the rest of the community, the attempt finally failed when Mark exclaimed "PSYCHE!" loudly during a session this Tuesday, then burst out laughing. "I lied about everything," he said, still chuckling. "That was so funny, oh my god. My friends were going crazy about all those people on the internet freaking out about this. I'm like, a legend."

Despite this eventual and disappointing failure, there is no question that Mrs. Grimm has set the bar up higher for all other school counselors; one that no one is expected to reach for at least twenty years.