UnNews:Rumsfeld Silences War Critics With Op-Ed Piece

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 March 2006

Associated UnNews, Washington - With one masterful stroke, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defeated, silenced and shamed all American critics of the War in Iraq with his opinion piece in Sunday’s Washington Post. Rumsfeld, known for his bombastic, even curmudgeonly approach to criticism of the US war effort, stunned critics of the war with his lucid - at times brilliant - defense of America’s progress in Iraq, which by some polls has raised public support of the war close to 95%.

"Just yesterday, I’d tell anyone who’d listen that the situation [in Iraq] had gone to shit," said satellite installer Randy Travis of Deer, Arkansas. "I’ve felt that way ever since my boy Cory was blown up over there by one of them roadside bombs in 2004. But after readin’ what Mr. Rumsfeld had to say, I must say I’m ashamed of my conduct. Cory died for a noble cause in a war we’re clearly winning."

“

The Secretary of Defense has shown me the error of my ways with the genius of his writing.

”

— Army deserter Jack MacNeil

"Any fool can see that," added Mr. Travis, wiping away tears of patriotic joy as he waved a tiny American flag.

Rumsfeld’s article, which has been read in print and on-line by an estimated 170 million Americans since its publication, has finally put three long years of mounting casualties, unclear objectives and false justifications for the war in a proper, positive perspective.

"I can’t believe I actually ran away to Canada to avoid deploying to Iraq," said a stunned Jack MacNeil of Tahoma, Washington. "The Secretary of Defense has shown me the error of my ways with the genius of his writing."

"I’m headed back to Fort Hood to re-join my unit and face the music - as soon as my stash is kicked." said Mr.MacNeil as he extinguished his marijuana cigarette on a newly purchased ash tray depicting the face of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

Now that Rumsfeld’s op-ed piece has demolished any and all opposition to the war, Americans from all walks of life could finally opine about their views on the war at their local church, bar, or gathering place without fears of getting into heated arguments. But not all Americans needed Rumsfeld’s article to change their minds.

"I’ve been supporting our troops from day one, so this is nothing new," shouted liquor store owner Dan Bartlett of Daytona, Florida, from the cab of his flag-bedecked Ford F-250 Supercab as he headed to a NASCAR event. "I kept saying we needed to fight those damned rag-head terrorists over there so they wouldn’t attack us over here, and Rummy backed me up all the way."

"U - S - A! U - S - A!" he chanted as he drove away, tossing empty cans of Natural Light out of his truck.

Sources

• Lem Sportsinterviews "The Washington Post: Dallas Cowboys Sign Terrell Owens" The Washington Post, March 19, 2006