UnNews:Public Radio Stations to Drop Radio Service
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 June 2007
WASHINGTON, DC - In a totally completely surprisingly unexpected move, National Public Radio announced that, all things considered, it would have all member stations drop their AM/FM radio service for the remainder of the iPod era.
"We decided that we're better off not having radio," announced a NPR spokesman at a press conference attended by 12 nerdy teens, 11 stay-at-home moms, 10 CEOs, 9 Car Talk fans, 8 dogs and cats, 7 fishy goldfish, 6 former hippies, 5 Santa Clauses, 4 Sopranos, 3 iPods, 2 station members, and a raccoon who listens daily. He then added that "support for this press conference is provided by NPR member stations... And... Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia, online at uncyclopedia.co."
He announced that instead of radio, "we will buy every type of media we can. Satellite radio, HD radio, TV, internet, Stephen Fry, movies, banknotes, cheques checks cheques checks, you name it." He quickly added that "support for this press conference is provided by NPR member stations... and... Megadodo Publications, announcing the release of its newest edition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Mark XLII, online at xgn.h2g2.book."
He then announced the phasing out of radio. "First, Morning Edition would have its last broadcast on stations nationwide on June 21. Then... wait wait... don't tell me! Oh, right. Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!* will have its last broadcast. Then, all things considered, All Things Considered* will have joined the broadcaster invisible. This would be followed by The World.* (Don't panic!) Fresh Air* would subsequently vanish. Car Talk* would no longer exist. Neither would A Prairie Home Companion*, or Selected Shorts.* Earth and Sky* would be gone. Democracy Now* would be no more. Finally, This American Life* would be gone," the last segment alluding to how his life would be ruined due to the whole affair.
When asked if NPR would rename itself as National Public Media, he said no, they would keep the name. "National Public Radio has such a powerful brand power that we'd like to keep it. Just look at, say, AT&T, which is really American Telephone and Telegraph. Look at Coca-Cola, which now also makes water and other non-Coke beverages."
When asked if he would buy an iPhone, he said no.
He also announced future plans to adapt current radio shows into other media, citing such successful examples as the film A Prairie Home Companion, the TV series This American Life, and numerous podcasts. The future plans include a series of short stories based on readings of short stories from the radio series Selected Shorts, a blockbuster film based on All Things Considered, and worldwide distribution of whatever would remain of Fresh Air.
When informed of the shutdown of NPR's radio services, Irma Listener, 42, of Philadelphia, PA, responded, "WHYY, NPR, WHYY?" alluding to the callsign of Philadelphia's NPR member station.
Irma Supporter, 24, of Ames, Iowa, responded, "WOI? WOI?" alluding to the callsign of Ames' member station.
Notes[edit | edit source]
*Believe me, these are actual names of NPR radio shows.