UnNews:Prime Minister pledges foot-in-mouth action

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

4 August 2007

Some cases, particularly in journalists, can last for years.

COLD COMFORT FARM, Westminster, Saturday (UNN) — UK authorities are doing "everything in our power" to eradicate foot-in-mouth disease after it was found at a cow manure farm in the Palace of Westminster.

Some 60 political animals have been culled at the Westminster farm after testing positive for orally-transmitted bovine faeces. A 3km protection zone has been put in place around the premises to try to halt the spread of the disease. There is also a 10km surveillance zone where nearby party hacks are monitored, as well as an 8km air exclusion zone around the site. In accordance with legislation, all party hacks on the premises will be culled and incinerated. The European Commission also said it would ban live exports of prospective European Commissioners from the UK.

James Brown, the hardest-farming prime minister in show business, said experts would work "night and day" to establish its source. He said he was investigating other possible outbreaks of the disease, and asked Party whips "to go the extra mile on biosecurity and vigilance. It is a big blow for it to be back in UK territory, but our objective is to eradicate it and to learn the lessons learned after 2001, to use the lessons learned for a speedy, systematic and scientific response," he told a press conference.

A UK-wide ban on the movement of politicians is in place after infected junior ministers were culled a few weeks ago.

Foot-in-mouth is a highly contagious viral disease which affects political cattle, and is spread primarily by naso-anal and labio-anal contact. Symptoms include feverishness, lesions in the mouth and lameness. The disease only crosses the species barrier from party hacks to humans with very great difficulty. In humans, it is mild, short-lived and requires no medical treatment.

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Do you live near the affected farm? Have you done business with it? Are you a voter in the area? Or did they arrest you because they decided your beard and non-white skin constituted an illegal political protest in the vicinity of Parliament? Did you get any really mediapathic cameraphone footage of funeral pyres of politicians? Did you toast marshmallows over them? Send us your comments using the form below.

Sources

• J. Gordon Broon "Infamy, infamy, they've all got it infamy" Hansard, August 4, 2007