UnNews:Police arrest suspect for PCP thought crime
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
21 February 2012
LOS ANGELES, California -- Police in Los Angeles have seized $0 worth of PCP at no street value and arrested a suspect in a mental narcotics bust involving a man who was contemplating possibly trying a dose of PCP, authorities announced Friday. The Los Angeles police department’s Mental Crime Unit (MCU) said suspect Darryl Burton was arrested on Wednesday, the Los Angeles Times reported.
Officers from LA Metro’s MCU found no package containing PCP or any other drug in the suspect's possession at the time of his arrest, but they have it on DNA record that he was considering giving the drug a try – and therefore he possessed a mental version of the illegal drug, which is a thought crime. Without obtaining a cerebral search warrant, officers conducted a raid on his mind where a brain cell was found to contain approximately one to two thoughts of PCP located in his genetic memory – enough to produce one imaginary dose of the drug.
Officers also seized $0.38 cents in hard cash, one unloaded Nerf Gun, one million dollars in undeclared wish (mental) cash, one incomplete genetic fantasy of the next door neighbor’s wife, plus a tangible copy of High Times magazine (Jan 1984 issue) that contains a missing page said to be an article detailing how to mentally conjure up, possess and consume thought dope, the Mental Crime Unit said in a telepathic statement.
“The suspect was actively contemplating to try a single puff-of-the-stuff for the first time,” MCU’s Lt. Scott Fairfield said. “It's the smallest mental drug seizure I've ever heard of. If he would have thought less than that we would have caught him empty-headed!”
Burton, who is still in custody, is believed to be a total nobody who has no ties to any known or unknown mental or physical trafficking organizations which are thought to be permeating susceptible brain waves through out California, officials said. LA Metro’s MCU has been conducting an investigation into thought drug crimes for about a month.
Meanwhile, in related stories, it was leaked to the media that Attorney General Eric Holder was privately rebuked for fantasizing about shagging his son’s hot girlfriend last week. And Iranian thoughtsman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is facing the death penalty for wishing that NATO would mind its own business. Also President Obama has just signed an Executive Order effectively banning the presence of any mental notions containing “and” “if” or “but” from the minds of conspiracy actualists, such as those who might unpatriotically wonder about the scientific validity of a “magic bullet” and other established principals of legal belief.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Police arrest 2 suspects, seize $100M worth of PCP in LA raids" Fox News, January 21, 2012