UnNews:Pluto totally dissed

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 August 2006

So, You Know What I Heard?

I heard that Pluto isn't even a fucking planet anymore. Take that, Pluto! You've just been totally slammed! First, you are dismissed as the tiniest fucking planet EVER, and then named after a dog in that stupid-ass Disney cartoon, (Pluto the dog is stupid by the way) and now this. Hey Pluto! You know what people are calling you now? A "dwarf planet" I bet you're just going to sit there and take it like the little pansy-ass non-planet you are. If I were you, I'd just hide away in shame.

Yeah, yeah, so you've lasted seventy years as a planet, but guess what? Your time is up, bitch! Apparently the International Astronomical Association thinks you're too much of a loser to deserve planatery status anymore. PWNED! In fact, I think the only person who does still like "Pluto" is Jocelyn Bell Burnell, a specialist in neutron stars, but she only likes the cartoon dog, not you. Ha. Dwarf planet. God of the underworld my ass.

YOU = LOSER.

To Be A Real Planet You Have To Meet Certain Qualifications

Are you a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun? Check. Do you have sufficient mass for your self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that you assume a ... nearly round shape? Check. Have you cleared the neighborhood around your orbit? Wait, what's that? You rely on Neptune's orbit? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess that means you just suck too much to be a planet. Tough titties. That's the way the cookie crumbles. Your co-dependant ass just got BITCH-SLAPPED!

Pluto Got Downsized!

Sorry, this corporation no longer has a need for a "Pluto" We're merging your department with the mailing room.

Take that Pluto.

Suck it.

Even the guy who discovered you is ashamed!

Ha! What's next? Will your so-called "moon" Charon become a planet? Talk about total humiliation!

I didn't ask him or anything. He's probably dead. But imagine the sheer joy of actually discovering a planet, only to have it recatergorized because the so-called planet was too dumb to retain planetory status. Good going, Pluto. Real fine fucking job you did there.

Tell you what. Why don't you go back to your trailer, spend your paycheck that you should be using to feed your family on beer and pay-per view Wrestlemania, and writhe in the hopeless, shallow existence that everybody knows you live. Oh, and just so you know, your sister's a whore. I know because I slept with her last night. BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRN.

Pluto, everybody is laughting at you. I hope Jupiter snaps you with a towel in the locker room.

You nerd.

Sources

• John Johnson Jr "Move Over Dopey, Pluto Gets Dwarfed" latimes, August 24, 2006