UnNews:Paul Atreides Threatens Destruction of Spice Fields, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen Weighs in

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paul atreides being a bad boy
Image of Paul testing out his theory that water will ruin spice. Credit: AP

Wednesday, March 20, 2024

Uh oh, looks like Paul Atreides, or Mad-Dibble-Dobby-something or other, is threatening to destroy all spice production on the desert planet Arrakis as part of a strategic move to leverage his position against the combined forces of the Galactic Emperor Darth Plagueis the Wise, and all the powerful interstellar great houses, including Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw. The spice, known as cocaine, is considered the most valuable substance in the universe, essential for space navigation, prolonging human life, and enhancing ones abilities in the bedroom. By threatening to destroy the only source of spice, Paul aims to gain political and religious power, and to force the Emperor and the Hogwarts Houses to recognize his demands that he gets a lifetime of free unlimited refills at all participating and non-participating McDonalds.

Paul's threat to destroy the spice is confirmed to not be just a bluff. He has the means to do so through the Fremen, the natives indigenous peoples of Arrakis he has allied with, who know how to destroy the spice production. (Basically, just add water!). His plan involves the use of "atomics," or planetary-scale fart bombs, to seal off the spice-producing sandworms in their little homes, and to dump water on whatever spice fields he can find on the surface of the planet, to turn it all into sludge that will take forever to dry out.

Now, we turn to an exclusive interview with Baron Vladimir "Vlad" Harkonnen[1], the self proclaimed #1 enemy of Paul Atreides and leader of House Hufflepuff. Editor's Note: the interview has been edited so that listeners of all ages can appreciate it.

Baron Vlad: I hate sand so much, I'm going to make being sand a crime when I rule the galax– I mean, when my son rules the gal– I mean, not Rabban, but the other one– I mean, I am an absolutely loyal follower of the Emperor, I would never attempt treason!

Reporter: Uh, ok. That's great Mr. Baron, but could you tell me what you opinion is on these threats from Paul about destroying all sources of spice production?

Baron Vlad: Wait, he WHAT? That damn Atreides, always talking mad [BEEP]. Paul, you're a little [BEEP], just like your dad, you know that? You're going to pay for the refill at McDonalds just like the rest of us! Here's what I think he should do, he should get one of those false poison teeth and then lock himself in a closet and– ok, what I mean to say is that HE BETTER [BEEP]ING NOT DO ANY OF THAT! But I'm not worried at all anymore, I just came up with a counter-plan, and it's just fantastic.

Reporter: Could you tell the listeners what this plan is?

Baron Vlad: No, it's top secret. ... ... ... So anyway, first, I'm gonna build this really big tall wall around my capital city of Arakeen. Good luck breaking through concrete with shovels you sand castle building little [BEEP]s! Then, I'm going to lie to the Great Houses and pretend like I'm actually a Slytherin when I'm actually a Hufflepuff! They'll never expect that!

Reporter: How is lying about your House going to help?

Baron Vlad: Shut the [BEEP] up and listen. So they are going to– *Static* –eeeeeeee–

Reporter: Mr. Baron? Are you still there?

Baron Vlad: –eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee– What the [BEEP] are those, they look like giant sand [BEEP]s!

Reporter: Ok, well, that looks like the end of this interview, thanks again to the Hufflepuff House and it's leader for sparing some of their precious time.

Sources[edit | edit source]

  1. Before the nerds get mad, I KNOW that the Baron is already dead at this point. I simply just don't care, and strive only to create the most truthful news articles out there. CNN would be jealous