UnNews:Paris Hilton runs for US President in 2008
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 August 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Paris Hilton noticed that John McCain had compared her to Barack Obama in a political campaign ad and decided to use her inherited billions to run for President in 2008 as H. Ross Perot once ran in the 1990's under the Reform Party.
In her public video she announced:
"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot.
But then that wrinkly white haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude and I want America to know that, like, I'm totally ready to lead."
Paris went on to state that she is not a dumb blond bimbo as the press portrays her as, and that she has a 160 IQ and a Masters of Business Administration with a minor in Law and Government from classes in both Harvard and Yale and was a straight-A student. That both McCain and Obama don't know what they are talking about and cannot run the country as well as she can. That in fact she can take both of their plans and make a hybrid out of them to solve all of America's problems.
For example she said that McCain is for offshore drilling and Obama is for alternative energy plug-in hybrid automobiles, that she would do a hybrid of both, support offshore drilling and make sure it is regulated so it is safe for the environment and use taxes on offshore drilling to fund Detroit for alternative energy automobiles to ween the USA off of oil and gas by using those taxes to fund research and development.
When asked about fixing the economy, she claimed instead of McCain's supply-side theory and Obama's Keysian economics demand-side theory, she would instead use John Frobes Nash's Game Theory to balance out both the supply and demand curves and maximize the economy to a system of balances via economic computer models run by a series of Linux Beowulf Clusters using Octocore Intel processors that can achieve results faster than a more expensive Cray XY Mainframe, and at a lower electricity cost that would be powered by T. Bone Picken's energy plan of using alternative energy sources like windmill wind power, nano technology solar cells, and hydroelectric dams to avoid coal and oil burning generators and fund the savings into building more nuclear reactors using the Greenfreidshintein method of recycling nuclear waste back into electricity by collecting the electrons emitted with its radioactive half-life of 500 years via a flux-capacitor and Mr. Fusion machine supplied by Doctor Emmett Brown and Marty McFly.
When asked if she would participate in the televised Presidential debates with McCain and Obama, Paris was quoted as saying "See you at the debates, bitches!"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Ronald Nurwisah "Paris Hilton runs for President, sort of" national Post, August 5, 2008
- Paris Hilton "Paris Hilton runs for President" Youtube, August 7, 2008