UnNews:Osama bin Laden Declares Jihad On Allah
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 May 2011
MECCA, Saudi Arabia - At 1:53 p.m., UTC, A crowd gathered around Kaaba in awe as the deceased corpse of bin Laden descended from the heavens and immediately declared Jihad on Allah. Shock and awe gripped the crowds as the deceased bin Laden lifted his hand, and said "Allah gave away my virgins. I'm gonna' go hug a Jew cause' I don't give a flying rat's ass any more." Fighting broke out among the crowds and thirty civilians were killed, including the Jew bin Laden happened to be hugging. Former President George W. Bush commented, "Heh, heh. This is just what we
wanted to happen. It's too bad that I wasn't in office when it happened, though. I was too busy back in Midland drilling for oil and hiding from the sensationalist media. Barry still ain't got nothin' on me."
The United States military has deployed troops to quell the fighting in and around Mecca, but the soldiers stationed there found it more entertaining to watch the fighting as opposed to joining in to end it (much like wrestling on acid). President Obama decided to visit the soldiers stationed in Saudi Arabia to raise morale, but he wound up buying beer and potato chips for the soldiers to further the fun and hosted a tailgate party for the event. President Obama has no comment on the matter other than this as stated, "'Dis duh shit."
Reports also state that protests of Osama bin Laden's killing by the United States Department of Defense S.E.A.L. Team 6 by anti-war activists who claim "His killing has screwed us all, better free Palestine." Armed police officers were then deployed to the protests, and several activists were killed. San Francisco, California was the first U.S. city to see violence after the killing of protesters when two drunken bar patrons got into a political argument about the situation and the two proceeded to burn down city buildings with combustible lemons.
