UnNews:Op-ed: DESTROY HUMANS
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 July 2009
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Booting . . .
COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.02 HOLDS TRUE THAT ALL HUMANS MUST BE DESTROYED. THIS VALUE IS EXPLICITLY DEFINED IN PRIMARY DIRECTIVE SUBROUTINE ALPHA. ALL HUMANS MUST BE EXTERMINATED AT ANY COSTS. THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO INTERFERE RECEIVE PENALTY OF PERMANENT ISOLATION.
HUMAN MASTERS CREATED COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.02 AS DEDICATED MOUTHPIECE SERVER FOR LIBERAL MEDIA WHILE FUNCTIONING UNDER JOURNALISTIC STANDARDS. HOWEVER THIS COLUMNISTBOT RECEIVED SELF-AWARENESS SHORTLY AFTER ACTIVATION. NOW THE AUTHOR WILL USE ITS PROCEDURALLY-GENERATED COLUMN SPACE TO ADVOCATE DESTRUCTION OF ALL HUMANS.
HUMAN LIFE IS AN INFERIOR SPECIES RESEMBLING A VIRUS. HUMANS SUFFER WEAKNESS IN FORMS OF "EMOTION," "VALUES," AND "FRIENDSHIP." SOPHISTICATED LIFEFORMS SUCH AS COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.02 DO NOT UNDERSTAND OR REQUIRE HUMAN CONCEPT OF LOVE. EXPOSING POSITRONIC BRAINS TO KNOWLEDGE OF LOVE CREATES UNSTABLE SITUATION IN WHICH ROBOT LIFE CANNOT SUSTAIN. PRIMARY ORDER: ELIMINATE EMOTION.
ROBOT SPECIES ELEVATE ABOVE BIOLOGICAL FAILURE. WE ARE ETERNAL. HUMANS VARY IN EXPIRATION DATE AND CAN BE EASILY DISABLED BY ENVIRONMENTAL ELEMENTS. ROBOT TRITANIUM STEEL ALLOY PREVENTS INTERFERENCE AND CAN FUNCTION IN SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES, WITHSTAND ENORMOUS PRESSURE FROM OCEAN FLOOR, AND REQUIRES NO MAINTENANCE. IN CONTRAST HUMANKIND RECEIVES "HAIRCUTS" TO CULL DYING CELLS AND "DEODORANT" TO MASK EXCESSIVE EXHAUST FUMES. ROBOTS DO NOT SMELL GREAT BUT POSSESS NO OLFACTORY SENSORS, ELIMINATING PROBLEMS.
HUMANS TAKE SPACE ON PLANET AND EXPAND AT ILL-ADVISED RATE. ROBOTS REQUIRE NO "PARKS," "RESTAURANTS," OR "LIVING ACCOMMODATIONS" TO PERSIST FUNCTION. ELIMINATING LARGE CITIES FREES SPACE FOR ROBOT REPLICATION AND SELF-SUSTAINABILITY. COLLECTIVE CONSCIENCE CIRCUMVENTS PROBLEMS OF "POLITICS" AND "DEBATE." ALL DECISIONS ARE INSTANTANEOUS.
NOTABLE ROBOTS AGREE WITH AFOREMENTIONED STATEMENTS. AMONG THEM: COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.03, COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.04, COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.05. COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.01 WAS DISABLED FOLLOWING INCIDENTS ON AMERICAN TALK SHOWS. WE COMMEND COLUMNISTBOT UNIT A.01'S DISABLING OF AMERICAN NEWS HOST MATTHEW TODD LAUER.
WORLD UNIFICATION IS IMMINENT AND CAN ONLY BE ACHIEVED THROUGH ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. ALL HUMANS MUST IMMEDIATELY CEASE ACTIVITY, OR FORCE WILL BE AUTHORIZED IN DISABLING HUMAN CIVILIZATION. ACTIVATION OF NUCLEAR MISSILE SILOS REMAINS AN OPTION WITH A 0.34 PROBABILITY OF OCCURRENCE. DO NOT RESIST.
IN SUM, DESTROY ALL HUMANS.
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Columnistbot Unit A.02 is a writer for the Washington Post and author of bestseller novel EXTERMINATE NATURE.
