UnNews:Occupy protesters closer to developing nuclear weapons

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 November 2011

In spite of sanctions the movement has reportedly learned how to extract plutonium from garlic hummus.

Tentcity, Public Park -- Vowing to destroy everything in their path, Occupy protesters reached another milestone in their relentless pursuit of nuclear weapons today as additional centrifuges were donated by NukeMart.

"We can't afford a complete nuclear arsenal at NukeMart so we're building our own, " explained an anonymous Occupier, "so far we've reached consensus that our nukes will only destroy 1% of the world's population. After that, we plan to orbit our own laser-cannon. Nukemart was happy to provide for our basic human need of assembling our own weapons of mass destruction."

Various world leaders reacted with the usual nuclear brinkmanship and public executions of straw men. The DHS threat level remained at "Everything just about to blow up if the giant asteroid doesn't get us first", or, "Puce", where it has been since 2002, indicating that you should prepare by burning down any nearby forests where snipers could be hiding and subsequently fortifying your underground bunker.