UnNews:Obama birth certificate non-existent; Hawaii Health Director quits
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 February 2011
HONOLULU, Hawaii -- Interim Hawaii Health Director Dr. Neal Palafox has quit his post, making him the first member of new Gov. Neil Abercrombie's administration to quit, and also the first person to quit working at a job in Hawaii. The situation has become a mystery and many sources are unsure why Palafox would want to quit such a cushy job in Hawaii. One source was overheard saying, "I'm pretty sure it was the late night, drunken phone calls to his house at 2 AM. A couple of us and the governor would get wasted and just phone him and make sex jokes and make him go see if his refrigerator was running and to catch it, things like that. He called the cops a couple times on us, but the Governor would just pardon himself and the rest of us before anything would get on record."
Many believe that this is in response to Gov. Abercrombie trying to get Barack Obama's birth certificate released to the public. Sources have claimed that the Department of Health has no record of Obama's birth certificate, confirming Americans' worst fear that he is in fact a Martian. In order to cover up for this cover up of a cover up, it is believed that Dr. Palafox quit before the truth could be revealed. When asked to confirm this, a Health official said he was told to locate the birth certificate, but failed to find one in the system. He asked his supervisor about this and was told, "My supervisor came and told me, 'Of course, there's no birth certificate. What? You stupid.'" These speculations would only be another obstacle for the Obama administration to overcome, hinting that governor Abercrombie, a firm supporter of Obama, may have told Dr. Palafox to quit before the truth could come out. There is also a rumor that Gov. Abercrombie will later close the position of Interim Hawaii Health Director, and then shut down the entire Health Department, in order to keep the truth of Obama's missing birth certificate from surfacing.
Other more credible sources claim that Dr. Palafox is under investigation by the Attorney General's office for medical billing fraud. When asked to confirm this, Dr. Palafox responded, "I get handed these e-mails about investigations and so forth, but I have no clue. I'm completely lost," At which point, Dr. Palafox began fiddling with doorknobs and windows, trying to find his way out of the room, yelling, "It's like a fucking maze in here!" However, many other sources claim that Dr. Palafox is not under investigation and has always been a credible doctor who is prepared for any emergency at 2 AM, drunken or not.
When asked about the resignation, a spokesperson for Gov. Abercrombie was quoted saying, "Gov. Abercrombie accepted Dr. Palafox's request for resignation, and will make a new appointment for the Health Director as soon as possible." Sources claiming that the cabinet is looking for someone with a last name 'Finch,' have not yet been confirmed, although 60% pollers in Hawaii agree that that "would be down-right funny," while the other 40% agree that it "would be fucking hilarious."
Having resigned from his position, many are speculating what Dr. Palafox plans to do in the near future. When asked about this in a public interview, Dr. Palafox responded, "I think I'll take a break for a while, maybe go chill in Hawaii for a bit." A reporter then prompted the clever response, "but sir, aren't you already in Hawaii?" "No, not this Hawaii," responded Dr. Palafox, "I mean the other Hawaii." Reporters in the room were then heard going, "Ohhhhhhh," presumably for realizing that they had asked such a silly question.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Associated Press "Associated Press: Hawaii Gov. Abercrombie's Health Director Quits'" cbsnews, January 29, 2011