UnNews:Obama's senate seat for sale at police auction
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 December 2008
SPRINGFIELD, IL -- The Springfield Police Department announced Wednesday its plans to sell President-elect Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat among other items seized from disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (D). Police obtained the governor's property in a raid following his arrest on Tuesday on corruption charges.
Springfield Police Chief Ralph Caldwell announced the auction early Wednesday, proving a list of items seized from Blagojevich's estate. "We are shocked and amazed by the value of the governor's property," Caldwell admitted at a press conference. "No one at the department expected this unprecedented wealth of confiscated riches."
Other items for sale include:
- One old, half-finished jar of mayonnaise
- Over 200 pornographic movies (homemade videos and Blu-Ray discs withstanding)
- Twenty bongs
- Eight diamond-encrusted diamonds
- Several presidential and gubernatorial elections, presumably stolen
- The car keys you lost last week
Initial appraisal estimates these items are "fucking valuable."
Most significantly, Blagojevich's basement contained the legendary sea-monster of Dead Man's Cove, which is in fact a large vacuum extension. Governor Blagojevich would likely have gotten away with it had it not been for meddling, kids.
The auction will take place Sunday, Sunday, Sunday at the Civic Center. Those interested in purchasing items should contact the Springfield Police Department for additional details.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Blowout auction this Sunday! Wide selection of appointments for all ages!" CNN, December 10, 2008