UnNews:Nuking poppy fields "only option" in war against oil ownership
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 July 2008
Flander's Field, Afghanistan Producing pain-killing narcotics, the stuff of 1950's drug addiction horror stories, is the lifestyle of the nomadic people of Afghanistan. Some stuff happened, some guys were mean to some other guys, somebody had a lot of guns and then finally things got so bad we had to send in the Canadians to deal with it.
Now, years later, a solution is clear to both political parties. We've got to nuke Afghanistan. Poppy production has reached an all-time high. Poppy seeds, easily carried by updrafts into the stratosphere threaten to overrun our homes and grow into patches of dirt previously known as gardens and lawns. It has been the terrorist's strategy all along.
Even Obama says so. He realizes that the real way to secure stranglehold domination over the world's oil supply is to attack the very source of the resistance to America's mighty march forward into the bright future of tomorrow- the opium poppy.
Sure, even though most poppies seem easy to farm for a living, it all comes with a dreadful cost to society. Buildings start collapsing because engineers don't remember what the melting point of steel is, all kinds of dreadful mistakes start getting made. Look at the nomadic people of Afghanistan- they're all living off of the dirt, finding weeds to grow to survive. That kind of lifestyle could really get in the way of owning peop-oh i mean things.
"The Canadians are going to bail or hurl or both," explained Osama Bin Laden from his luxury condo in upscale downtown Anonymous Filth Patch, "when they realize that they're just been holding down a front for the eventual war against Iran's blatant ownership of oil."
Iranian Officials, speaking in a complex cipher, were eventually found to be shitting their collective pants as they are about to face a war with the US on pretty much every front of their country. They did promise, however, to keep refining uranium for peaceful purposes only, intending to only manufacture bombs from peacefully manufactured uranium centrifuge byproducts.
Israel, now located in deep underground bunkers, had no comment as it was business as usual.
"Don't nuke me poppies!" groaned Canadian Military Supply Director Mohammad Smith smoking a blunt and wearing an extravagant display of bling, "We're suppling the pope!" The pope could was not available for comment but likely had 'scored some smack' in Australia according to nearly bishops in the opium den.
"We will bring Afghanistan to us and convert it to the dark side, or it will die." swore Darth Vadar solemnly to his Emperor.
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- Obi Wan "Run R2D2, run!" Our only hope, A long time ago in a galaxy far far away