UnNews:Notorious vampire Vinokourov expelled from Tour de France
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 July 2007
PAU, France -- UNN : Notorious vampire from Kazakhstan Count Alexandre Vinokourov has been expelled from the Tour de France cycling race after having bled to death 3 of his teammates. This comes as a blow to the famous cycling event after last year's winner, Floyd Landis was found to be a Werewolf and had won by eating his opponents.
Subsequent blood tests on Vino showed that he had elevated levels of vampirine, a metabolite present in vampire blood stream after having heavily feasted on human blood.
Tour de France president Christian Prudhomme has constantly stated that he had no opposition to vampires and other freak minorities contending in the race as long as they refrained from human blood intakes during the competition.
As a consequence, his team, Astana which is a manufacturer of vampire fang sharpening tools has withdrawn collectively from the race. One of the team's technical staff car was arraigned at a toll booth near Toulouse, France while trying to escape. However, since French authorities did not find any subsequent bodies in the vehicle, the technical team was released on a $1.8 Billion bail (€0.18).
Today's race was postponed 2 minutes in order to pay tribute to the 3 dead cyclists.
"I cannot condone such behavior" proclaimed Rasmussen of Denmark, current holder of the precious yellow jersey. Rasmussen is however himself under close scrutiny by the race's governing body since he is suspected of taking between 3 or 4g of a cocaine/heroine mix every day. However, Rasmussen has always indicated that this was necessary to treat a cut to one of his fingers incurred 3 years ago while he was juggling with razor blades.
At the current rate, out of the 200+ racers present at the start of the race, it is expected that 12 should finish the race sometime next Sunday (weather permitting).
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Sports Illustrated "Vino out !" CNN, July 25, 2007