UnNews:North Korea selects yet another Kim
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 September 2010
PYONGYANG, North Korea -- North Korea chose a new Kim to lead the country, as the ruling Korean Workers Party met in the capital to smile, clap and wave in unison for the cameras.
At the party's convention, representatives of the ruling party had the choice of four Kims to succeed the country's sick leader Kim Jong-Il (Dear Leader), who is the son of the de jure (and de ceased) ruler, Kim Il Sung (known as Dead Leader). The leading candidate is Jong-Il's son Kim Jong-un (Dribbling Leader; also sometimes referred to as "Jong-un the wrong-un"), the baby face in the Kim-Kom family who have driven the country into penury since 1953.
Up against Rong-Un is Kim Pop-Wilde (Raspy Leader), Kim Kard-Arseshowin (Pert Leader) and surplus, washed up Australian cricket player Kim Hughes (Blubbery Leader), who wept when he lost a series against the English team in the 1980s. Kim Kard-Arseshowin is said to have a real chance after delegates at the congress were allowed a few minutes on the Internet to head off to the Playboy web site to view her leadership qualities. Kim Pop-Wilde was allowed to broadcast her message to North Korea asking for their votes too, with a reworking of her hit song, Kims in Korea. Finally, the Australian cricket player Kim Blubber-Hughes appeared on a shaky video link saying North Korea could do with some "Aussie guile" as his own country had been a victim of imperialism and colonialism by the British.
Speaking to everyone in the main hall, Kim Jong-Il said that Kim Jong-un was the best available Kim in his family, but urged the delegates to consider the "hairstyles" of the others before choosing his son. Everyone jumped up and applauded Kim Jong-il's speech for the next 30 minutes and a serene light shone on the portrait of his deceased father. It was then announced that Kim Jong-un was now a General in the North Korean army and that his own army was now camped outside to prevent an American-sponsored coup.
The name Kim Jong-un might sound a little suspicious to the experienced reader. Could it be that UnNews itself smuggled an infiltrator into the seemingly inaccessible dictatorship? Well, this is a thing you have to figure out on your own. If we did, we obviously won't tell anyone.
Updated, 22:37--The results of the delegates' vote is in:
- Kim Jong-un: 500
- Kim Pop-Wilde: 0
- Kim Kard-Arseshowin:2
- Kim Cry-Baby Hughes: 0 Not Out.
(A recount was requested by Kim Jong-un and subsequently the two delegates who had voted for Kim Kard-Arseshowin were purged.)
When the vote was announced, Kim Jong-un appeared on stage and made an acceptance speech thanking everyone called Kim who had helped make this possible. He said this vote wouldn't spoil him and that he hoped his father was still taking his medicine to guide the country for the next ten years.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Kim Jong-Un promoted to a four star general" BBC, September 28, 2010