UnNews:New study says hopelessness strongly linked to homelessness

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

20 December 2006

Who doesn't give a shit? This guy.

AP -- According to a recent study done published by the Department of Health and Human Services, the nation's homeless were abnormally suceptible to hopelessness. The study, which included one thousand participants spread evenly through the socio-economic structure of society, declared the nation's homeless children the most thouroughly fucked.

Said one such participant, "The crushing loneliness and sort of quasi-Dantean despair I feel on a daily basis is what keeps me going. Literally all I have is my sadness."

The homeless participants were also more likely to be described by what could loosely be called acquaintances as "worthless", a "complete waste of sidewalk space" and "that damn dumpster jockey".

Not all the homeless were so deep in existential shit, however. One man, who demanded to be addressed as "King Charlie", was apparently holding court behind a New York City pizzaria, dressed in flowing robes made of discarded newspaper and wielding what appeared to be an apple impaled on some manner of shopping cart handle.

"Beware ye of the power of the royal scepter!" "Charlie" demanded when questioned about his living conditions. "Or I'll have ye drawn and halved."

In contrast, those participants in the Department's survey who had more than one home were shown to be much less likely to experience daily hopelessness than average, despite recent reports from the Department claiming that money isn't everything. "No, money isn't everything. If it was, the fuck would you buy with it?" responded a wealthy participant.